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Journal

My head hurts!

Hmm, there were things I wanted to actually post about, but it seems I've completely forgotten what they were. Damn.

Last night, I went back and read through some of my early journal entries from my dead journal, and I think that was much more interesting than what I post about now. I still had somewhat of a life then, so I had more to talk about. Though I was also more depressed, so a bit more whining too. Oh well. Was fun though, reminded myself of some good memories I hadn't thought about in awhile. And isn't that the point of keeping a journal in the first place?

I think that's it for now, head hurts, so don't want to think too much right now, and I guess there is some thinking involved in these posts, despite what you may think, lol.

Posted by Me on 5/22/2004 04:59:32 PM | Comments?

My god, it's amazing how many hits this journal got, just today, from people looking for video of the guy getting his head cut off, sheesh. And to think I came across it more or less by accident. Ya know people, if you actually took a moment to read my journal instead of thinking damn, just some loser's journal.. you'd have noticed the part when I mentioned if you really want it that badly, I can tell you where it is if you email me. Guess that's too much work though, huh?

So I was looking at the lovely Mem's journal earlier today, and came across one of the most stupidest things I've seen. Seems like some Bush supporters are actually Nazis.

In new Mexico a highschool student wrote a poem that was critical of Bush. There was no swearing, nothing bad about it, she was just voicing her opinion on some of his policies. Doesn't even sound like it is personally attacking him. What happened? Well the teacher who was in charge got fired, and the principal refuses to release his credentials so he can get work elsewhere. Poetry classes and the poetry club were permanently terminated, and the student's mother is being threatened with being fired if she doesn't destroy her daughter's poem (She is a teacher there)! The hell is with all that? There's a lot more to it then just that. But geez 'em, that principal is a fucking moron, he shouldn't be allowed to be near a child. He actually shouted "Shut your faces" to students and faculty who did not share his political opinions, at some sorta stupid flag raising thing he set up or something. Whatever, you can read the whole thing here.

This just reminds me of the loud mouthed right wing retards who seem to love to hear themselves speak. On a show I was watching the other night, they were crying on about how you can't attack the president personally, but instead his policies. Hey, that I would actually call fair! But when presented with personally attacks that were aimed at Clinton, this one said, "oh that's okay, cuz it's factual." Uhhh.. riiiight. So everything bad about Clinton, is factual, but say something bad about Bush, and it's the end of the world or something. Uhh.. I'm being vague sorta, don't feel like going completely into it. Those losers aren't worth the time.. so why do I watch them? Argh!

Oh yeah, Mem did post the poem.. but I feel like doing so to, just to piss of anyone who it will piss off. If you can't handle free speech, get the fuck out of American, you Nazi scum. =)

Revolution X by Courtney

Bush said no child would be left behind
And yet kids from inner-city schools
Work on Central Avenue
Jingling cans that read
Please sir, may I have some more?
They hand out diplomas like toilet paper
And lower school standards
Because
Underpaid, unrespected teachers
Are afraid of losing their jobs
Funded by the standardized tests
That shows our competency
When I'm in detox.
This is the Land of the Free ...
Where the statute of limitations for rape is only five damn years!
And immigrants can't run for President.
Where Muslims are hunted because
Some suicidal men decided they didn't like
Our arrogant bid for modern imperialism.
This is the Land of the Free ...
You drive by a car whose
Bumper screams
God bless America!
Well, you can scratch out the B
And make it Godless
Because God left this country a long time ago.
The founding fathers made this nation
On a dream and now
Freedom of Speech
Lets Nazis burn crosses, but
Calls police to
Gay pride parades.
We somehow
Can afford war with Iraq
But we can't afford to pay the teachers
Who educate the young who hold the guns
Against the "Axis of Evil"
Land of the Free ...
This is the land
If you're politically assertive
They call you a traitor and
Damn you to ostracism.
Say good-bye to Johnny Walker Lindh
And his family.
Bye Bye
American Pie.
So maybe
My ideas about this nation
Don't resolve around perfection
But at least I know
Education is more important
Than money.
Land of the Free . . .
If this was utopia
We'd have to see each other naked
Before we got married
But instead, we see each other naked all the time
Because the government has my social security number
And the name of my dog!
And then we make babies,
But don't worry, they won't be left behind
And they grow up saying
God bless America!
But they don't know who Bush is
Because they never learned the Presidents.
And they will ride the ship Amistad
To our dreamland shores
Bearing the same shackles as us.
I'm here to say that
Generation X
Is pissed and we are taking over,
Ripping down the American illusion of perfection
We are the future generation
I have my qualifications
I know it looks like Angel Soft paper,
But don't worry
It's a diploma
Do I look qualified?
You can take our toilet paper,
But you can't take our Revolution.

Posted by Me on 5/21/2004 11:21:41 PM | Comments?

Wow, a teacher who teaches at the middle school I went to, and taught when I was there, has been accused of downloading child porn onto his computer. I could be wrong, but I think I had him as a teacher when I was a student there, lol. At least the reports say he didn't do anything to any of his students.

Hopefully that's true, because then no one's been hurt and he hasn't done anything that wrong? Hmmm, that's a good question. You can take two sides here, one is that he didn't hurt anyone and controlled himself, he only looked at porn, though porn with kids. The other side could be, he is an evil and sick man and will eventually hurt kids or must have in the past! Though thinking about it, there could be more sides.. he was just curious, someone else used his computer, he thought it was porn with adults? That'd be a good question that needs answers too, if he did download it, why did he? And while looking at porn isn't hurting a child yourself, isn't it helping the people who make the porn, which I'd say hurts children. Hmm.. confused yet? Welcome to my mind, I can think a bit too much about certain subjects, when there are more sides and viewpoints to it, maybe that's why I don't like Bush.. he is so simple minded in his black and white view of the world.

Yeah, I turned that into a nice Bush bash! Oh well, anyway.. hopefully no kids got hurt, and everything gets figured out.

I've got a nice colorful bruise on my arm where the IV was, about the size of a silver dollar, maybe a little more.

Today has been a nice icky day. Too humid, and been in one of those bored antsy moods, where you can't find anything you really want to do. So fun, and think I'm done with this, so gonna find something else to do.

Posted by Me on 5/20/2004 09:07:20 PM | Comments?

Finales of Smallville and Angel were on tonight. Hmm, Smallville had it's season finale. I thought it was okay. Seemed like they are taking next season in a much different direction. Considering how many characters appear to be out of next season. The Angel series finale, well hell, that was awful, the way it ended. It didn't wrap everything up.. it ended like there was another episode left. Sigh.. maybe another network will pick the show up? But really annoying.. at least when Buffy ended for the 1st time, they made it more finale, before bringing the series back. This was just sooo not a completion.

Ya know, people are assholes. Well not all people, and some are just fucking idiots. I'm not sure which, assholes or fucking idiots. I say this because the last 5 X-box games I've rented, 2 of them had their CD's stratched up. So it was a fucking waste to rent them and bring them home all hopeful to play them. I think it takes a major fucking idiot to stratch up a CD. Cuz, well.. what the hell are you doing with it?? And a major asshole returns a ruined CD and doesn't tell anyone. Letting the next person to rent it, get screwed.

Oh well.. made me a bit displeased for awhile, though I got over it. Quite proud of myself. =)

Posted by Me on 5/19/2004 10:06:07 PM | Comments?

Blah.. I wanna make another post to get the self loathing or whatever it's called out of my system. =D

So, checking out a friend's journal and she talked about how she spent her Birthday, sounds like she had a great time, not so great hotel aside. I am happy she enjoyed herself, really, but that leaves me thinking, geez.. when have I ever had a great Birthday like that?

I think it's been over 10 years now since I actually did something for a Birthday, hmm.. maybe not even since Middle school? Which is more like 13-14 years ago. I can remember going to Chucky Cheese, or parties at home, fun. Though for my adult life, haven't done anything special, haven't had anything special happen. Usually just the Birthday cake at home with family and some presents. Of course I certainly could deserve some of the blame here, I really haven't wanted to do anything. Well, at least when I was healthy enough to actually do something fun (which has been awhile now). And I usually don't even want any presents. If there is something I need, like for my last Birthday I got an alarm clock cuz my old one was broken, I'll ask for that. Besides that, I just don't feel right asking for things. And heck, each new Birthday just means another year wasted, unable to do much because of my health. Yeah, yeah.. whining a bit about my health, but I think you would too if you had to deal with what I do. And besides, this is my journal, I can whine about whatever I want!

Hmm, just feeling like I might be coming off as a wuss now, who uses health as an excuse, but I'm really not. I fought for my life, clawed at the sides of the hole that I was being pulled into by it and lost. But I tried as best as I could. Even managed to get through black belt training when the problems were just starting to kick in. It literally felt like I had pulled almost all the muscles in my legs, but I pushed through the pain and completed the training (Luckily, things aren't as painful muscle wise now). And when my intestines were finally giving out, I pushed my way through and almost made 2nd degree black belt.. didn't though, cuz of some unfortunately things somewhat out of my control, bleh. Ehh.. now I feel like I'm trying to justify myself to anyone who actually reads this, lol.. wow, I'm a loser. Though, I was thinking about this today, if I do have Celiac Disease, then damn.. I am an uber-strong person to have done what I did, when I was involved in Karate. I was feeling proud of myself, and that's quite a nifty feeling! Also reminded myself of the time I finished a 3 mile run, with my 2nd best time ever, despite pulling a quad muscle in the very begining! Now that's some great will power (though stupid, yes, I payed for that for a long time, lol). There's a re-union next month actually, for those who earned black belts at the studio, and I really wanna go.. dunno how body will be feeling about that, but screw it.. will do whatever I have to, do make my body able to go. Which isn't pleasant, but eh.. I wanna damnit! I absolutely loved it, the people there, and haven't seen anyone from there in over 4 years.. I kinda stopped going, once my body finally made it clear I was done trainning.. and thought I'd return once health improved, one doctor was telling me good things at the time, ended up not working.. and seems getting better is taking longer than I hoped, lol.

Anyway, going back on topic.. I was just feeling maybe a little jealous, or sad, or like thinking it'd be nice to have my life back and have a birthday spent with friends, maybe doing something special? Eh. Trying to go back to the positive, hopefully once I get the test results back, they will say what's wrong, and I'll finally be able to start getting healthy, if not too much damage has been done? And then maybe by the time October comes around, I'll be fully healed, and able to do something special for my Birthday? Ehh.. sounds like something nice.. though.. again, don't feel like it needs to be celebrated either, LOL.

Like I said, I'm not crazy, I'm big boned.

Though, actually feeling happy now! Nifty. =)

Posted by Me on 5/19/2004 04:53:24 PM | Comments?

Think I overreached a little at the end of my last post? Eh.. just mood isn't too happy. Rented a game, that sucks.. so I come online to do stuff, and it's going uber-slow, even after I reset everything, and then it just goes down as I try to post.

Not anything major, I guess.. but eh, my life isn't exactly a happy one, so when the little things I count on for joy seem to be working against me, that can cause a lot more emotion than it can in people with actual lives, lol.

And that little outburst reminded me. I don't have anyone I can go to when I am really upset about something. Well, there are a few people, but if something major comes up, and those few aren't online and they don't seem to be online that much anymore, well then, I just have to deal with it on my own. Or come post here. Not the same though, being able to come to a person seeking comfort, advice, or just someone to listen. Maybe I'm being a baby to want someone I can go to where ever I need someone, but I'm only human, and us human's are social creatures. And while usually I don't mind it, believe people should beable to handle and deal with things on their own, a part of me still craves human interaxtion, especially when I'm feeling upset. Fun!

Oh well, that's it for now.

Posted by Me on 5/19/2004 04:24:29 PM | Comments?

Gawd, rented a game for the X-box, a baseball one.. wanted to try one out, and it is absolutely horrid. Ugh, freaking waste of money and it's a blockbuster 7 day rental. Just so sad, and yeah, brother is back from college now and his X-box is here now, whheee!

I'm kinda disappointed. The demerol and versed worked too well. It's not everyday that you get to see your stomach from the inside, and it would have been nice to at least remember watching it, ya know? They did have a TV there to watch what the scope thingy was showing and I do remember watching it, but it's all such a blur I don't remember it in any detail. So many holes in my memory, lol.

Oh well, can say least I got it over with, but it really was nothing bad at all. It went great! Hmmm.. am glad it's over though, because it means the results should be coming sooner than later, so that's good.

Still, would be feeling some regret that I wasn't aware enough to remember what was done. Could have been a great story to tell future grandkids!

I'm not crazy, just big boned.

Edit:
FUCKING SHIT INTERNET! Went down for no fucking reason, this post wasn't that long or important, but glad I saved it before hand.. fucking shit internet. EVERY FUCKING BUTTON WAS SAYING EVERYTHING WAS WORKING BUT IT STILL FUCKING WOULDN'T!

Sigh.. don't mind me, not in a good mood and computer is trying to piss me off more. =)

Posted by Me on 5/19/2004 04:19:31 PM | Comments?

I learned something new today. If air goes into your veins, it won't kill you, like they claim on TV or in movies. I know, because I had some go right into me in my IV, I watched it, was like.. errrmmm? Mentioned it to the nurse and she said it'd take a bag full of air to actually kill someone. Not her exact words, I was a starting to feel the effects of the drugs by that point.

Oh well, night night.

Posted by Me on 5/18/2004 12:41:19 AM | Comments?

Well back home now, that didn't take too long. Though we did have to wait in the waiting room for a little over an hour, icky! Had the animal planet station on , and all the magazines were for weddings or women.

Anywho, when we go in, get my blood pressure taken, 117/78, pulse 72, oxygen in blood % which was 99, and body temp which was 97.2. Fun huh? After that, I got to go lie down in one of those medical type beds with the wheels. Little while after that, comes the scarey part! Getting the IV put in, and well.. the Nurse totally rocked! Didn't hurt that much at all. Made me very happy!

Unfortunately though we waited for maybe 20 minutes or a little more, until I finally got took into the room that I was having my procedure done in, and the doctor talked to me for a bit, the nurse in there introduced herself, and then I finally got the drugs!! Demerol and Versed. Felt nice, but.. kinda don't remember much either, bleck. Can't remember when they put the tube into my mouth and down my throat. I can remember a little of seeing what was on the TV, which is fun.. sorta, but barely. I do remember when they pulled the thing out though, tasted kinda bad, but I really didn't care at that point either.

Would have been nice if the drugs lasted longer though, feeling pretty okay now, have been for awhile. Though the nurse said I'd be legally drunk for the next 12 hours, lol.. oh well. I want more drugs!! =D

Posted by Me on 5/17/2004 03:29:35 PM | Comments?

Wheee.. just wanted to make a quick comment to say how excited I am I get to be drugged up in like 2 hours! Gotta be leaving soon though, freaking highway into the city is down to one lane.. argh! But, still.. drugs!!!

Hey, being someone who doesn't do drugs, I look forward to getting legal ones from a doctor! And sure, maybe the procedure will suck, but I get drugs!!

Riiight, I sound like I'm on them already.

Posted by Me on 5/17/2004 10:53:12 AM | Comments?

Tomorrow is the big day! Hmm, seems a little strange to be excited about getting some medical testing done, that involves having a tube put down my throat, through my stomach and into my small intestines to take some biopsies. Maybe as that strange, when you consider this should finally say for sure what's wrong, and let me know how to finally start healing.

So, it's an exciting thing! I also get to be drugged up. Fun! I just hope they can actually get the IV in, if they do one, think they will be. Last time I had an IV put in, the freaking nurse couldn't get my vein so she got annoyed? And just started stabbing me to try and get the needle in it! That was the first time I even felt like I was going to throw up from something painful. Not a fun experience.

Also in the good news area, seems the thunderstorm I last mentioned, has cooled things down. Maybe not as much as I'd like, but it no longer feels like a heat wave, so happy about that too.

Hmm.. and, I'll end there.

Posted by Me on 5/16/2004 05:31:32 PM | Comments?

Oh damn.. well, I need to take back what I said about the guy getting his head cut off, Nick Berg was it? In an earlier post. Think I said it didn't looke that bad, the video. Though the video version I saw was pretty crappy. I just came across a much much better video of the end of it, and err.. it took them awhile to get his head off, and it did look really awful.

I've also noticed it seems like I've been getting a lot of people coming here, using the key words "head cut off" and well, I'm not going to post any links to the video, for the people dumb like me who like clicking on links. For those who really want to see it, and umm.. why would you? Just email me, and I'll send a link, if it stays good.

Another site, well message board.. was talking about how Bush had this whole thing set up to distract people from the Iraqi prisoner thing. It actually made some good points, but.. after seeing a better video, no way. Well, still possible (anything is), but a bunch of the things that were said just weren't true. Was said he wasn't moving at all when his head was being cut off, he was! Well during the first part.. and it also claims about where all the blood went. Well duh.. it took them awhile to get his head off, and the video is poor, but you can see there is a lot of blood on the floor, and a little drips when they hold up his head too.. and err.. too much detail? Sorry! It also claims they speak Arabic with a Russian accent.. this I have no clue about, oh well.. enough of that stupidness.

Also on this subject, the son of a friend of my mother's, actually knew and worked with the guy. Said he was brilliant. While I don't know if that's true, heck, if someone slowly gets their head cut off, I won't disagree when good things are said about them (unless of cuz they were a really bad person, lol). So, kinda like wow, hit a little closer to home than I knew.

Hmm.. think I'll stop here? Ending, as if I'm giving a moment of silence or something? Oh well.. later.

Posted by Me on 5/16/2004 01:57:26 AM | Comments?