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Journal

Really don't wanna post, but I wanna be all good and keep this updated, even if I end up saying nothing. Maybe someone out there, feels joy reading whatever I type? Hmm.. think that person needs therapy. =) Until then, your obsessive need to read my words, is welcomed.

Living without hope, really sucks. Hope and faith perhaps, for the future. For things to improve. I say it sucks, cuz I believe I lost them earlier this week. I had nearly forgotten what it feels like, the emptiness that you have without those, that allows depression to seep into your soul.

Think it'd kinda stupid how I lost them, maybe. Since, Oct. I have been trying to stick to a gluton free diet, because I believe that is what I need to do, to get healthy. Believe I have an allergy to it (called Celiac disease). Unfortunately, had been accidently, maybe carelessly eating some foods with gluton. Not reading the label carefully enough, or just screwing up. Since, Mid-January though, believe I have been quite good about it. Though.. still not much of any improvement health wise.

When I was getting links for my celiac disease / gluton free section, came across a website that talked about contamination, which is, a food that is labeled gluton free, could get contaminated with gluton, if it's made on the same machines as something that has gluton in it, or if it's made in the same room. So.. that left me thinking, damn.. cuz, that was possible. So, I decided I was gonna cut out everything that had any chance of being contaminated. Later I went back to the site, to read more, for planning, etc.. and came across some products, that are made to be gluton free. Labeled as such, and there was a warning that they could be contaminated.. which.. just shattered everything for me.

At first, I was thinking.. oh, just aviod foods without gluton in them, easy! But now, I don't know what I can trust! Foods that don't have gluton in them, could. Foods that are made especially for people who can't have gluton, could have gluton in them. And, also.. what about all the pans and such in the house here? People use them for cooking, some stuff with gluton. Does washing clean off all gluton, or does a tiny speck remain. And, with gluton foods around in the house, am I taking in particles somehow? Bah.. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm really regretting not taking the nurses advice, and getting biopsies done, because the blood test didn't say whether I had the disease for sure. I was sure though. And, hell.. if I was wrong, which I believed I wasn't. No biggie, avoiding gluton wasn't that hard! Ohh.. how wrong I was.

So, now.. I dunno what to do. Go onto a super strict, diet, and way of life, and hope things improve.. or get tested, and find out for sure, then go super strict? Gawd. Only problem with getting tested, I have to go back to eating lots of gluton, for 3-4 weeks at least. Which in a sense means, I'll just be putting stuff in my body, that could be hurting it. Ruining any healing that might have happened, and being back at zero. Which means, last 5 months, have been for nothing! Fucking nothing! Gawd.. why the fuck does everything have to be the hard way? Thought I was putting in the effort to aviod gluton, no reward there though. Just fucked over.

Maybe if I was, like 20, 21, 23.. it wouldn't be so bad, losing so much time, but I'm not getting any younger here. I'm 27, gonna be 28 in Oct, and I'm getting no where in life because of these damn health problems. And now, seems I've just been wasting time, instead of progressing? Gawd.. fuck me. Fuck me fuck me. No, not literally.. maybe shoot me works better there.

Sigh.

Oh, yeah.. so, right now, just lost. My hope of getting better, has been shot. My faith in being able to aviod gluton, is gone. Faith in myself, fading. Just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

Posted by Me on 3/27/2004 10:37:00 PM | Comments?

So.. tonight, SU lost in the NCAA's. Now, considering how it seemed like they might not have been able to make the NCAA's earlier in the season, getting to them, and winning their first 2 games, is pretty good, but.. with how they lost tonight, it really sours things up. They should have won tonight! First, the team they played, just keeps hitting all these damn 3's in the first half. Real nice and lucky. And to help them out, SU just played so stupid and bad at times. It's like, if the team they lost too, hadn't been so lucky with the 3's, or if SU just played well the whole game, SU would have had this win, fairly easy.. it appeared. So, while it's impressive they made it as far as they did, it sucks that they totally lost to a team they could have beat.

Oh well.. just means a complete waste of an evening to watch the game. If only they could have played well and lost, I could accept that.

Anyway.. I wonder just how stupid Condoleeza Rice actually is. She is now asking the 9/11 commission to testify before them, privately, and not under oath. Riiiiight. Guess she really doesn't care about the families who lost someone on 9/11, since she wants to keep the cover up going. And hmm.. yeah, seen some replays of her giving a speech, from back in 2002 I believe, in which she says that no one could have imagined that planes would have been used as weapons. That's curious, since people had. Even here in the US, back when we had the Olympics here, there was concern of someone using a plane, and air defenses were put up, I think. There are more examples, which some 9/11 victim family members site. So, Dr. Rice, seems to be full of that stinky stuff, and because of that, isn't willing to testify publicly, under oath? Course that could be wrong, but her own actions seem to point to that.

Ohh.. and now one of the most shameful things! President Bush, at this dinner or whatever, made jokes about not being able to find Weapons of Mass Distraction in Iraq. He fucking joked about it!! And the sick fucks who were there, a lot laughed. Now, WMD's was basically the reason, or reason given at least, for invading Iraq. American soldiers went there, died, or lost limbs, to keep us safe from something Bush claimed was there, which turned out not to be. So now, he is mocking the fact we couldn't find them, and hmm.. I'm not an injured soldiers, but I would be pissed if the man who sent me in to Iraq (if I was a soldier), is now mocking the reason he told me why I was going, and all I had to show for it, was a missing arm or leg. Heh.. a t-shirt would have been better.

Gawd.. this guy is just soo far from reality. And they are continuing their attacks on Kerry, saying he is gonna increase taxes for everyone, Bush actually said that. Sigh.. how the fuck does he know that? He claims, with what Kerry says he is gonna do, the only way to pay for it, is to raise everyone's taxes. Ha! Like the moron has been right about anything his own Administration claimed would happen? Not! So, now he is the expert on what other people are doing? And the people who cheer, and clap, and praise him for lying.. are fucking pathetic, mindless, worthless piles of shit. Unless of course, they are just the rich who are getting paid off by him, with his tax cuts for them.

This country, is just so fucked up. Bush really should be impeached, his whole Administration, actually.

Oh well.. me go now.

Posted by Me on 3/26/2004 03:52:01 AM | Comments?

I really don't want to post right now, but should.. since I have things to write about, if I remember them all.

First, last night, I decided to work on the outline of my book. I did this the night before too, with pencil and paper. So, I went to try and add more. I am being fairly smart though, I think.. because I'm only focusing on the first section of the story. Might end up being 2-3 chapters, maybe 20 or so pages. Dunno yet. But, tossing my sandwich example aside for a moment, I'm gone say writing a book, or any story is like putting a blank puzzle together. First you need to find the pieces of the puzzle, and try to get them to fit together, then you need to paint the picture on the pieces, and that seems to be how this is going so far. Or, in some instances, each puzzle piece is a puzzle itself, and once fitted, in place, the puzzle within needs to be done, because, it's like I'm thinking up ideas for the story, and then where to fit them in, but each idea, requires more ideas to make them work, and details to go along with them. For example, lets say I decide my main character goes to a school, well.. that is a piece of the puzzle, but then there is the puzzle of what kind of school it is, who are the teachers, what does it look like, etc. So, there is a lot of work involved.

Anywho, so, been focusing more on the first section, which is taking on much more depth than it had. Though, still no where near as deep as it needs to be, since it's just an outline. Though, I did, out of impulse start to write. Not sure it's the beginning, but is a piece of this section, and came up with another character while doing it. Nothing major, just a little over a page, written. And I feel I need to rewrite most of it, because it isn't good how I have it presented. Whee, lots of work!

On another note, I feel silly and shy when it comes to the idea of writing a book, and just talking about writing it.. but.. should ignore that.

Shall I now speak of politics? Eww..

Watching Hardball, it's host Chris Matthews, I believe he is.. had Ron Reagan on as a guest, son of that president guy, and they spoke about how the Bush Admin seems to attack the character and person of people who criticize them. They don't focus on the facts of what criticize, but more focus on tearing the person up. Which, if you think about it, would lead one to believe, those who bring criticize, are right. Because, why attack the messenger, if you can show the message to being wrong? Very nasty people those Bushies, and Mr Matthews remind me about how the Bush Admin will even attack family members, if you criticize them. They did reveal the identify of that one CIA person, which is illegal, when attacking her husband, who if I remember right, was claiming Iraq had never tried to buy uranium from Africa.

Boy, and these are basically the people who tried to take down Clinton for getting his cock sucked. Well, maybe not the Bush Admin, but people who support them, certainly tried to take Clinton down, because of that. Really hypocritical.

Something I find utterly stupid, Condoleeza Rice.. seems to be making the rounds of TV shows, to debunk that Dick Clarke guy. Believe she was even releasing statements today about his testomony before the 9/11 commission. Hmm.. but she still won't come testify under oath and publicly before the commission herself, to try and debunk him?

I guess, he is right, and she knows it, and can't debunk him, when under oath. So resorts to speaking to anyone, who doesn't have her take an oath of truthfulness. Sounds right, with how the Bush Admin seems to do business.

There, that was easy. And I didn't swear once!

Think I'll end here.

Posted by Me on 3/25/2004 02:46:29 AM | Comments?

Umm.. yeah, I think someone, being me.. got a bit too frustrated with some political stuff yesterday, and that can be seen in my last two entries, which, were pretty much rants. Swear filled rants. Now, while I don't like to so personally attack someone, like I did to the Hannity guy, I do stand by my feelings about him. I do feel he is a "right wing" loud mouth, who just plays to the "hate filled right wing" section (while being quite smug about it!), instead of trying to be "fair and balanced" like the network he is on claims to be. Having said that, I'm not gonna go back, and delete or edit my entries at all, because, this is a journal, my place to rant, rave, and express myself. How many people actually delete stuff from their journals? Just because this one happens to be online, doesn't mean I'm gonna. One of the rules I set for myself when I started this thing, is no deleting or changing entries (unless fixing spelling or typos). So.. no changes being made, gonna spell check, forgot to do that, not checking for typo's though.. dun wanna, lol.

And yes, if I were to actually discuss him on a message board, or with other people, I would of course be much calmer and be more rationale sounding. Not gonna get into any rationale arguments against him right now though, I'd rather not deal with thinking about his silliness.

Hmm.. on to other news? Naw, how bout some updates:

January:
This last one, was the snowiest month we've ever had on record. Kinda neat, yes? And since it was cold, with no warm days for snow to melt, the snow banks, for our drive way, were getting tall! It's hard to shovel snow, when the snow bank you are putting the snow on to, is taller than you, and I'm like 6'1! Even worse though, at the end of the snow, some places got 6 to 8 feet, in a few days!! That's a major snow, and at times, snow was falling at 6 inches an hour.. here it wasn't as bad, don't think we got over 3 feet. And speaking about snow, I found out that the city near here (Syracuse), is the snowiest City in the country, with a population over 100,000. Go us!

Besides Snow, the month, was cold too. I don't know if it was the coldest on record, but we had a stretch, where the temp stayed below zero for over 2 days, which is long for this area, and we had a lot of below normal for temp days. So, the month was a quite snowy and cold one.

Oh yes, I remembered something I forgot, this one area that had no place to put all the snow, since Cities do have less room, just transported snow to this empty area and piled it up. Last I heard, it had been 70 feet tall! Sure it got higher, since more snow came. But on the news, they mentioned not to climb on it, cuz they may not find you until spring, if you sink into it, lol. Ouch.

And, now I'm done, so later.

Posted by Me on 3/23/2004 09:45:23 PM | Comments?

(not proof read, lol)

Oh my god.. this is so funny, to me.

I just glanced at my tracker, and I see this:

Google: condoleeza rice, a fucking moron

LOL, and I'm #2 on the search! Now, while I wouldn't have called her that.. from what I've heard today, maybe she is a fucking moron. She refuses to come before the 9/11 commission, to publicly testify about any failings or questions they have. Oh, but she is totally willing to go on TV, news shows, etc. And today, she tried to bash Dick Clarke's case against Bush.. I only saw a clip, so I might be wrong.. but she said something along the lines of, that there was a policy difference, that Clarke was more focused on bin Laden and Afghanistan, while Bush wanted to take the fight to the terrorists.

Boy.. if that isn't out of context, talk about a fucking moron. The big point Clarke was making, was that Iraq had nothing to do with terrorism. There was no evidence Iraq had anything to do with terrorism, and actually.. still seems that way. Seems a lot who are defending Bush's ol' war, are claiming Iraq had something to do with terror. Gawd, fucking morons. As Clarke said, the FBI and CIA had no evidence, and I haven't seen anything showing Saddam supported terrorism. I think with Saddam captured, they might beable to find something, if it were true.

Ohh..there is that thing where Saddam gave money to the families of suicide bombers in Israel, but that's hardly supporting terrorism, it's just supporting the Pal's cause for Freedom. Sure, the suicide bombers can be called terrorist, but think there are quite a few people in the Arab world who support the Pal's cause. Saddam seemed to be trying to do his part. There is no evidence, Saddam actually helped any suicide bombers, though.. just tried to help their families, from going hungry.. a rather noble thing, perhaps?

Not calling him noble, one bit. But, still stand by my point, that Saddam had absolutely nothing to do with the war on terror, was no threat to the US, and all these people claiming the Iraq war has something to do with it, are morons, or just out of touch with reality.

Posted by Me on 3/22/2004 10:10:59 PM | Comments?

(warning, big unproof read rant follows)

So fucking annoying. Anyone actually watch Fox News, the show Hannity and Colmes tonight? Gawd, Sean Hannity is so fucking full of shit and biased, it's not funny. I hope he doesn't believe he is fair and balance, because he is as far from that it's stupid.

So, he says he has a piece of video proving John Kerry is a flip flopping. The video is also used in Bush attack ads, showing Kerry say he voted for the 87 billion dollars for the troops, before he didn't. Seems like it? But, it's taking so far out of context, it's fucking stupid. Anyone who believes just that clip, is full of shit, and is an idiot. At least they had someone on the show to explain it. Kerry was talking about how he was for it, when he had an amendment to it, that would use some of the tax cuts to pay for it. Only for the richer people though, of course. When that effort failed, he was against spending money we don't have any way to pay for. He wasn't against the troops, which this idiot Hannity person was claiming. He even went forward to show a short clip proving that! He claimed what the question asked of Kerry was, then didn't even show the whole answer, just a tid bit. So, we don't know the real question asked, or the whole context of what is being said.

Gawd.. just so annoying, how fucking full of shit this guy is most of the time. I do watch some things on foxnews, because some try to be somewhat fair and balanced, but this guy is so beyond, he has to be just some prick who hates Kerry (seems to hate anything that doesn't agree with him or Bush), who is trying to bash Kerry, in ways only morons would believe. If that's wrong, then the guy is truly a fucking moron.

I need to spot watching these stupid news shows.. gets me a bit annoyed, and I had wanted to keep the swearing down is this, so it'd be family friendly, lol.. oh well.

Posted by Me on 3/22/2004 09:51:51 PM | Comments?

I'm feeling a bit annoyed.. I've got a few things floating around in my head, that I'd like to do.. but.. the ideas never last long enough it seems. Last week, I was wanting to get all this political stuff typed up.. why? More for expression, I guess.. doubt it'd change any minds, if it did, kewl. But, now today.. mind is focused more on the book idea I have. Kinda want to write a book, but for the story.. right now, there isn't much. Had the idea for it, back in the fall of 2001, but then.. it was bascially two pieces of bread, if you were to compare it to a sandwhich, plot wise. I hadn't given much thought to it since, until recently, got some more ideas.. and today, some more still. So, maybe now my two pieces of bread, have some butter on them. Still.. there would be a lot of work involved, researching, etc.. and can I even write well enough, to make it enjoyable, and understandable? Blargh.

Just need to figure out what I want to do first, and focus on it, and get it done. Need to finish website, want to get a more political styled area up, should finish up cd/gf section.. and put more effort into getting into the book. Can always start writing, then change stuff if needed, or start over. Sigh.

It's just like, I have creative things I'd like to do.. but, right now.. don't know where to begin. Can't figure out which I should focus on completely first, so it just makes it seem like I got even more to do, having my focus split up like this.

Oh well.. useless rant. (=

Posted by Me on 3/21/2004 06:56:52 PM | Comments?

I'm Happy about S.U. winning again today in the NCAA's. Though, making it another close game at the end, wasn't very nice of them. I can be forgiving though, since they won.

(warning, non-proof read rant coming)

I've been wanting to express my complete disgust with the Bush Administration for some time now, just not sure how to say it, or if it's ever worth it. It's just so sad with all the crap they do and get away with, it makes the US political system seem like a complete joke. Ya know that Medicare bill they got passed? The one that turns out to cost a lot more than they planned? Well.. it seems they KNEW it would cost more, but threatened this guy with being fired, if he spoke up. And to help make the bill look good, they made a newsreport, with actors in it. The "news report" was fake. It was then sent out to TV stations, some of which actually aired it. I don't know what's more fucked up, them making a news report, to pass off as real, or TV stations actually playing it. Last time I checked, this wasn't a country like Russia, where the government controls most of the news.

And the attack Ads and attacks on Kerry. Jesus Fucking Christ. Seems like lies, and more lies. Or misleadings, at the very least. Think everyone by now knows how Kerry wanted to lower the intelligence budget, back in like 1995? Well, they don't mention any reason why. Just make it sound bad, idiots. And they don't point out, how much more Kerry voted to increase the budget in later years. I also remember Kerry saying one of the reasons he voted to decrease the budget, or was it voting against something? Might have been the later, was because he thought the intelligence community was getting too far away from human intelligence, and was going with the high tech too much. He even wrote a book about that. Bah.. but, it's fucking stupid, running around about trying about voting records. I won't believe anyone's bullshit, when they say.. OOoohohhhh.. he voted against, such and such. You know what? Fuck that, and fuck you, for thinking I'm a fucking a moron. I know there is more going on then the vote. There are reasons for a vote, maybe a stupid amendment was added, or something. And, of course the votes that would make the person look good are never mentioned. It's just so fucking stupid.

Like, hmmm.. oh yeah, there is a new Ad now bashing Kerry for voting against the 87 billion "for the troops." Umm.. hello fucking retards?!?! That wasn't just for the troops. A part of that was for the rebuilding of Iraq and Afghanistan (20 billion if memory serves), a nice big blank check the Bush Administration was asking for, and some of the senators wanted the two separate, but their effort was defeated. Now, why the fuck would anyone give a big blank check like that to these corrupt individuals, giving away no bid contracts to Cheney's baby, who it turns out, has been overcharging? Bah..

Oh yes, and who hasn't heard the attacks on Clinton for doing nothing about the attack on the U.S.S. Cole? Well.. the people going after him for that, and using that to show that Democrats are soft on Terror, are fucking stupid. The attack happened on Oct. 12, 2000. We had a little election in Nov. 2000, that Bush got lucky in, and so.. what the hell was Clinton supposed to do? He did want to declare war on al-Qaeda. He had an aggressive military response prepared, which included special-forces attacks on al-Qaeda training camps in Afghanistan, but thought it would be inappropriate to take such dramatic action during the transition to Bush's presidency. The plan was presented to Condoleeza Rice and her staff, the first week of Jan 2001, and Clinton National Security Adviser Sandy Berger believed al-Qaeda was the biggest threat to the U.S. Rice thought it was China. And some people same Al Gore would have been soft on terror or al-Qaeda, most likely, he would have attacked, and who knows, maybe 9/11 could have been prevented.

How many people know that little tid bit about the good ol' Bush Administration? Seems like did nothing to try and take down al-Qaeda. Maybe he did? I would doubt it, since he still hasn't gone before the council investigating 9/11. Questions about what I mentioned, should be asked of him and his administration, to find out why they didn't get the attack to the enemy. Bah.. and the war with Iraq, talk about a complete fucking joke. Bush still won't give much time to the council investigating the intelligence problems, well.. what, he said he'd give an hour, then said.. won't watch the clock, but only with two of the members? Unless that's changed. But it's such bullshit, the crap they said, about Iraq. It had NOTHING to do with the war on terror. I knew this even, before the war started. There is no proof Saddam actually supported terrorism, and if there is, it's a secret to me. And the war in Iraq, talk about a fucking horrid plan. They had to be all, Oooohhh.. we're so fucking tough, we don't need to send a ton of troops, lets send a smaller force, and be quick about it. Well, that approach helped fuck up the after war, and caused some American troops to get injured and killed. Remember Jessica Lynch? Well her group, was having vehicle troubles, got far behind everyone else, then took a wrong turn. Perhaps if there wasn't such a rush, and more troops sent, to keep the support units like hers defended, then the people she was with, would have never been killed. Ohhh.. and, been hearing reports troops weren't sent with body armor or right kind? Heh.. Bush attacks Kerry about that, since he voted against that 87 billion dollars, but.. hrrmm.. that 87 billion dollar vote, came AFTER the war, you fucking moron.

Bah.. and there after war planning, talk about total fuck up. Sure, maybe things are getting better now.. but, really.. their plan was a total fuck up from the start.

Today I heard Bush said in a speech in Florida, that Kerry planned to raise taxes on the middle class? Umm.. please tell me that is wrong! I dearly hope it is, but saw it reported on CNN, and argh.. how the fuck would Bush know that? Kerry has already said he would be lowering taxes on the middle class. So, what the fuck does Bush know, or more proof he is a liar?

Oh yes, and when it comes to the leaders who support Kerry, Cheney said the American people have a right to know what he has been saying to those leaders, to get their support. How FUCKING STUPID can he be. Anyone with a half a brain who pays attention to international politics, can tell the world isn't too happy with Bush. And, the American people have a right to know? Jesus Christ, you fucking piece of shit Cheney. If the American people have a right to know that, they have a right to know what was said in your meetings with oilmen and such, for your energy policy, something you've been holding back for, what 2-3 years? And the American people have a right to know what happened about 9/11. What did you guys actually know? And Iraq, you guys were so fucking wrong, and seemed to ignore any intelligence that disagreed with you, that the American people have a right, to know what got messed up, who messed up, or were you just lying to us?

Ohh.. but, according to them, we don't have a right to know that stuff. But something that doesn't involve anyone dying, or anyone getting political advantage, and is pretty common sense already, is a right to be know? Well, fuck you Cheney, fucking worthless corrupt idiot. Maybe a lot of people in this country don't pay attention and mindlessly follow you, but I don't, and I can see how full of shit you really are.

Bah.. this has become a nice long rant.. not gonna bother proof reading, so oh well if you saw typos.

Posted by Me on 3/21/2004 01:07:49 AM | Comments?