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Journal

The newest Linkin Park video called "Numb" is naughty!

Been catching the end of the video on MTV, channel surfacing.. then this morning caught more of it. They show a girl in it, and the scars on her arm from cutting. I dunno if it's the song, or just showing her scars or both.. but, it like tweaks an urge to want to cut. Gets me thinking about it sorta.. and there's this little urge there. It's weird, like an addiction.. when you get addicted to a drug, it's with you for the rest of your life, the need for it. A desire to abuse it. And cutting seems to be the same way. It stays with you (besides the scars). It takes over a small part of you, and will make itself know, whenever something triggers it. At least.. it's only a small part. I can see myself doing it, cutting.. seeing the blood, feeling the pain.. but, I'm not gonna, eventhough that part of me wants too. Oh, and I'm reminded of the last time I cut.. didn't go that deep, never really do, but I used the lighter I had, for cleaning the blade I was using, to heat up the blade, and then press it into the wound. The pain, from that was sooo intense. It was almost intoxicating. Did I enjoy it? No! And quickly would pull it back.. but, still.. the extreme sensation, I dunno. Just something, I do visualize doing it again.. though, don't want too, but do. If that makes sense, LOL. Don't have any plans to though, so don't worry. Writing it down instead!

Anywho, I went to MTV.com to see the whole Video, lol.. and seems to be about a girl who is ignored and shunned. Reminded me of something else, I remember one time up at my College, I saw a girl who seemed to be upset about something. Maybe she wasn't, but my thoughts lend me to thinking she was. I didn't stop to ask if she was okay though, just kept going like everyone else to class. Kinda silly.. but that's one of the things I wish I could do over, and ask her if she was alright. Perhaps she would have ended up looking at me funny, but.. maybe she really was in need. I'll never know.. and not that guilty, at least.. am just a little.

Oh well.. the joys of being me. =)

Posted by Me on 12/05/2003 01:30:23 AM | Comments?

It's cold.. under 20 degrees!

Anyone watch MTV? I do.. lol, been watching the Real World/Road Rules Challenge this season.

It's sad, but I'm gonna talk about reality TV!

Usually on Road Rules, or Real World.. when I watch it, there is one character.. err person, that I like more than the others. And, guess saying character is wrong.. since these are real people, lol. One of the people I liked, was Sara.. from a Road Rules season. She was one of the "Weaker" players on the show that time.

So, it was nice to see her on the RW/RR Challenge, but most of her team is being major asses to her. She came back, in better shape, lost weight.. being doing well, more or less, but they keep voting her off! On a side note, on the show.. each team votes someone to the "Gauntlet" when the two people compete, and the winner gets to stay. They have had 10 so far, and she got voted to it 4 times.. winning each. It's nutty, and annoying.. if you get too into it. And I'm good at putting myself in someone's poistion, to feel what they are feeling.. or feel what I'd be feeling in that situation, and I'd be rather pissed. She is showing a lot of heart.

But, anyway.. latest episode was last night, and one of the guys who keeps screwing up, screwed up again, and she got voted to the Gauntlet. Though, weird.. cuz, then last night I dreamed I was on the show.. on the Real World team, because whenever I think about both shows, I'd rather be on RW. And I was like a good friend of Sara's.. lol. Hung up.. was fun. Joked about her kicking ass when she gets voted in again.. then I was like, oops.. err, hope my team kicks ass!

Very weird though.. at one point, she gets a letter form her boyfriend in it.. then starts crying and such, cuz for some reason she thinks me and her did it, the night before.. when we had been hanging out.. but, neither of us can remember doing anything.. like we blacked out? Though I was pretty sure we didn't.. really weird. Dreaming about, might have having sex, but not being able to remember if you did in the dream.. LOL (though I really don't think we did, really weird).

Oh well.. was silly. And I went by the MTV message boards.. and there are people more crazy into the show.. so I don't feel too nutty, lol.

Anywho.. that's it for now.

Posted by Me on 12/02/2003 04:48:35 PM | Comments?

Wheee.. I'm not feeling good tonight, fun!

So, Thanksgiving was okay I guess. I have decided to stick to the diet, gonna trust myself, don't need any further testing. So I couldn't eat most of the yummy stuff for thanksgiving.. wouldn't have been as bad, if the dumb doctor hasn't like told me to go off the diet, to get the futher testing. It's like, if there are some things I can never eat again.. I can handle that. But going through, having all this food in the house.. I'm sure I'll never beable to eat again, but could have ate it this one last time.. just made it more annoying, than if I knew I couldn't.

Anyway.. not much of anything exciting. We had about 4-5 inches of snow Saturday morning, getting more snow today.. idiot people are crashing who forgot how to drive in snow. Morons. They freaking live here! Always snows in the winter, a lot.

Oh well.. as I said, not feeling good.. so going.

Posted by Me on 12/01/2003 08:12:50 PM | Comments?