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Journal

Dun really feel like posintg..

And supposedly we're suppose to have rolling black outs today, while they get the power back for everyone. Haven't had any yet, but, it'll happen right before I hit publish, for a long entry.. so not gonna risk it.

Oh, and yep! Lost power yesterday, if anyone heard about that little power outage, in the north east? Pretty lucky though, got power back last night.. so not much of a big deal. Still a lot of people without power.. not as much as yesterday, think it was 50 million people affected? Yikes!

In other news, my leg is all stratched up.. lol.. sharp fingernails I must have, and must have been a major itch. Too bad I don't remember it, lol.. just notice it, all nice and cut up.. well, not really cut, just stratched good.. nice and dark red.. lol.

Well that's all, like I said.. short tonight.

Posted by Me on 8/15/2003 09:54:19 PM | Comments?

I got a headache.. blah.

I saw there is going to be an action figure of Mr. Bush, dressed the way he was, when he claimed the war was over in Iraq. You know, in that jet fighter outfit.. Mr. Look-at-me-I-flew-in-a-jet. Stupid.. and I'm sure the families who have had members killed since then, are glad he declared the war was over, the way he did.. just to look good.

Pfftt..

I could rant more.. but I'll end now.

Posted by Me on 8/12/2003 10:12:27 PM | Comments?

I'm sane, honest! More or less..

Montel Williams.. on, the subject was "Does Music Kill?"

Had a story about these 3 teens who killed a 15 year old girl, because according to a song, if they killed a blonde haired, blue eyed virgin, they'd go to hell. And the three had a band, that they wanted to be the number 1 band in hell.

And the parents of the girl are suing music people, and the band.. uhh.. what the fuck?

If these kids, around 15 year olds old too.. thought killing a girl who had blonde hair, blue eyes, and was a virgin would cause them to go to hell, so their band would be number 1 there.. it isn't the music or bands it's fault. It's the fault of these kids being fucking retarded idiots.

Anyone to blame besides the kids, are the parents. What the fuck were these parents teaching these kids, or not teaching them? Anyone stupid enough to believe such crap.. are seriously stupid. I remember being 15, I would never have believed any of this crap. I wasn't a fucking idiot.

It's disgusting. All these "groups" crying, music bad!! Video games bad!! Need to pull their thumbs out of their asses, and put the blame where it belongs, when a kid is violent. The parents, and the kids. It's so fucked up. Seems the whole concept of thinking for yourself, being responsible for yourself.. don't exist. It's always someone else's fault.. and we got "groups" trying to teach this to children.

Bah.. oh well, posting lots today!!

Posted by Me on 8/11/2003 05:02:41 PM | Comments?

Well.. last night, or this morning.. depending on your point of view, was.. err.. interesting I guess.

I really hate the times around full moons, well, don't hate them.. if my mood isn't too down. They seem to warp and intensify whatever mood I'd been in, coming up before it, so.. not good when it isn't a happy mood. And yeah, I know, full moon is tonight.. so in store for another fun ride. Feel perfectly fine right now, err.. well as fine as this body allows. Never had to stop typing like that before, cuz of too much pain too.. neat.

So, I guess the big question.. if anyone cares, is whether I did what I was considering or not.

Well, hope no one had faith in me.. because that faith was misplaced, cuz I did.

After I got offline, did go and get a lighter, some bandaids.. and the feelings did seem to return. And my back started hurting too, so I wasn't exactly feeling too good either. Why cause myself more physical pain, while already in it? I dunno.. this is kind I could control by inflicted?

Anyway, returned to my bed.. which on a side note, really needs it sheets cleaned.. icky. So, I first burned the blade of this knife I found downstairs, let it cool off.. accidently poked my palm with it.. wasn't deep enough to bleed! Which I was glad off, really silly to think that, considering what was gonna be happening next. So, then I just traced it over my arm, or fore arm? Palm turned up. Not deep enough to cut, just stratch lightly.. which are gone today. Didn't seem sharp enough. And I did resist the urge of just ramming it into me leg.. which, was way beyond any kind of harm I'd be willing to do to myself. So don't worry about that.

Next, I burned the broken blade of this knife I have. Well, the blade was broken off, so it's a knife handle, with some metal sticking out, which is really sharp from the break. After that cooled, I well.. then started. I dunno know the die hard cutters do it.. maybe much more violently? I just picked a spot on my arm, about mid way from wrist to elbow, and started to trace it over the same spot. Lightly at first, giving a little pressure at first. Eventually, I got it so it started to bleed. And yeah, this was stinging a bit, lol. But.. I had red! The feelings I had been having, the pain I was in.. were gone. The only thing I could feel was the metal tearing into my flesh, and my mind was focused on the blood. Was nice. At one point I was trying to get it to bleed enough so I could watch blood drip down my arm.. why? I dunno! Kinda lost myself in the experience. And.. it was calming in a way. It never got to bleeding that badly though, I never cut that deep.. well, twice in the past, hrrm.. maybe 1999? Went a bit deep, which was leaving numb feelings in my left hand for awhile. That went away though, and I've been more careful since.

So, after awhile of doing that.. I decided I was done. Wiped the blood off my arm, and the nice thing little cut I had, really wasn't bleeding much. So couldn't be did.. I then wiped off the metal I had been using, then.. burned it some more, to clean it off further. Then.. I got a silly idea, I very quickly touched the metal to my arm. Ow! It was a bit hard feeling.. so, I get this twisted little idea. I very quickly, for like half a second, touched the blade to the cut.. Wow! That was some major pain! Real sharp intense stinging, had me going Ahhhh!!! ahahahahhaa.. yeah, I was laughing afterwards, does that make me mental? But, of course.. I did this a few more times.. touch, shudder.. ahhhhhhh.. hahahhaa. The worst, was when I got the metal right into it.. LOL.

Hmmm.. kids, don't try that at home. I'm a trainned professional! =P

Anywho, I then put my stuff away, covered my little cut with one bandaid. Yep, all I needed was one.. wasn't that big. I was good! Then I went to pee, and flush the bloody tissue I had been using down the toilet. After that, was getting this urge to go fire up that metal again and do it some more.. ugh.. found a new sensation now my mind seems to want. Lucky my, huh? And of course, since I was done.. all the feelings I was having before came back, and so did the pain I was in. So, there I was, lying in bed.. the muscles around my rib cage huging, wrist and finger hurting.. back slightly. Intestines wanted to get in on the fun, and weren't feeling good.. and, I felt like I needed to pee again! Gawd.. touch about a messed up body. Oh, but my arm wasn't really hurting. But, such an awful feeling like that.. lying in bed, needing to pee once again, which I did.. but the feeling did come back, and other stuff hurting, not being able to find a comfortable position, and needed to be up in a couple hours.

So, the lesson here is.. cutting didn't solve anything, it's just a temporary "hit." Though unlike drugs, doesn't last nearly as long.. oh well. No need to worry about me, I'll be okay. Always am.

Posted by Me on 8/11/2003 01:11:52 PM | Comments?

It's 5 am.. I need to be up at 9 am. Am I in bed? Nope!!

Maybe I should be in bed.. lying there, doing nothing.. gawd. But, grrr! Very annoyingly, I've been having a major urge to cut tonight.. I don't know why, just am, and the knuckle joint on my point finger on my right hand is killing me, so this hurts to type.. bah.

Anyway, felt like I had to burst.. a moment ago. Got out my old things I use to use for cutting, but.. I left them on my bed to come online, maybe someone I could talk too, or just distract myself.. I dunno. Came on yahoo, no one.. most everyone I use to talk to on there, is gone.. besides Mem, when I catch her. Tried AOL.. someone was on! Messaged them, got an away message.. figures. But, just seeing someone on seems to have settled myself down for now.. but for how long? Will I be feeling the urge again, when I return to bed?

Bah. Sucks.. I feel mental or something. Been feeling a bit down lately, and now I'm feeling down with too much energy! Not a good mix. Lets see here, try to explain.. like I just need to yell, or do something to let it all out. Earlier, I was feeling trapped.. weird, small feeling.. like I was an animal, not a person.. just, this being.. not anything. That make any sense? Of course not! Sigh.

I dunno.. don't see the harm in cutting. Besides having to hide it, kinda hard to do that on arm.. could try somewhere else, under clothes, never done that though. And what good would it do? I never remember it actually helping.. really.. and it's been over a year since I last did it, so why do it now? Bleck.

And why does it feel like I pulled muscles along my rib cage? I haven't done anything!! So annoying.. so very annoying, wrist is hurting now too, so I'll stop. Maybe surf.. maybe get a lighter, for seralizing.. was that spelled right? LOL.. I can see myself, cutting.. err.. not good images. Why the heck, where does that impluse come from? Don't see how nature would program that in..

Anyway, damn finger, wrist, and side are hurting enough.. so I'm ending. Guess I'll report back if shit.. fuck it, typing with only left hand.. damn.. sharp pain, left wrist giving out, later.

Posted by Me on 8/11/2003 05:22:56 AM | Comments?

Hey, doesn't anyone care I could be dead?!?!! Haven't posted in a long while.. someone could have left a message, saying.. hey, still alive? LOL

To those who I've actually talked to during this time, yer off the hook. =P

Anyway, damn the Harry Potter books are depressing! As I mentioned in my last post in it, I started reading book 5. Well, I finished that book awhile ago, and have finished books 1, 2, and 3 as well. Don't know when I'll get a copy of book 4.. sigh.

Depressing, cuz.. I want to keep reading!! Books 1 and 2 were okay, I liked how somethings were done differently in the movies, while I felt the book did somethings better as well. Though, there was something lost, not knowing how things would turn out. Book 3, did that for me.. I like couldn't stop reading. Ugh.. I'm like, I wanna keep going.. but damnit.. if I finish it quick, it's over. Well, the urge to keep reading won. Friday night, read about 200 pages.. last night, I finished it off.. so sad, wish those books were longer! Hopefully 4 is longer?

And hopefully book 6 is a few thousand pages long, while still being good. I'd love that!

Yep, I live a sad sad life.

Posted by Me on 8/10/2003 08:30:19 PM | Comments?