My Place (v4)

Very annoying.. since last night, my left bottom eye lid has been twitching!! Doing it right now infact. Quite annoying, and I don't know why it's doing it. Haven't done anything to it. This morning after I woke up, and it was going twitch, twitch, twitch.. and both bottom eye lids were feeling puffy. Maybe that's normal for waking up.. that feeling went away.

Hopefully this isn't a sympton of some new disease I've suddenly gotten.. with this body though, I wouldn't doubt it.

So, also last night.. my mom found out her father was most likely going to die over the weekend. She had a choice, go see him now.. before he died, and stay till the funeral, or wait till the funeral (We live in N.Y. He is in N.C.). This afternoon she mentioned she decided to wait, which ended up not being that long.. found out this evening he died. So, her, my father, and maybe my brother and sister are gonna drive down for the funeral. I'd like to, to see my cousins again.. but, physically.. eh, won't be able to handle that.

Her father has been really ill. Suffering from allz-timers, quite badly. So, kinda good.. that he has passed. Not sure how I feel. I'm the emotionally broken person, remember? Was a surprise though, when I heard he'd be dying soon.. really wasn't a surprise when I heard he had died though. Hmm.. might have been empathically picking up some saddness from my mother.. oh well. This journal seems to always have bad news, doesn't it?

Got more I could talk about, but guess.. I shouldn't for now.

Posted by Me on 6/06/2003 01:34:39 AM | Comments?

Grr.. me is not a happy camper. Gonna try to force myself to post today, physically my body is being annoying though.. so sitting here isn't making me happy either. Oh, and it decided to just start doing this.. since I was planning on forcing myself to post now. Blah..

Anyway, been awhile since I posted anything of substance.. so here goes:

1) Anyone actually see the Mike Tyson interview on fox? If you hadn't, but heard about the quote from it.. well, the information you've gotten, is totally wrong. Every media outlet that I've seen repeat the quote of his, about how he wished he raped the girl.. and wants to now, was taken out of context. It was said somewhat jokingly. And, in his mind at least, he was innocent.. so why not wish to have at least had the fun of doing the thing you lost 3 years of your life for? Now, I'm not a Mike Tyson fan.. just, so disgusted with the media. They wouldn't know the truth, if it bite them on the ass. Everything just needs to be twisted, to try and get headlines. And unfortunately for Mike, he doesn't seem very bright.. and says a lot of stupid things. Stuff the leaches called the media, have a field day with.

2) A friend, well.. someone I considered a friend.. recently told me we weren't friends. I've known her since 1996-97, I believe.. and we've been talking off and on, more recently in the past two years. I'd say we've told some rather personal things about each other, and been open. But calling someone a friend is a really serious thing for her. And, she doesn't have a high opinion of me I found out. I use to have this desire, to help abused or troubled children.. and help rape victims. Something I had mentioned to her. You know what she told me? She said, she thinks that I'd get off on listening to abused kids.. or rape victims' stories.. and secretly wish I had been the attacker. Heh. Like, what the fuck? Only thing I can come up with, is that she has issues from when she was sexually assualted as a small child, and.. for some reason.. were placing them on me? She also thought I lacked depth..

Basically, her opinion of me, came out to.. that I'm this monster or a person who wants to abused children, have sex with underage girls, that I lack depth and only see the world as black and white.. but I'm cool sometimes. Cool sometimes? Go me.. but what the hell am I supposed to think, or how am I supposed to react? Here's a person I thought was a friend, telling me I'm not.. and saying I'm all these things? I really have no clue.. and acting like everything is fine and dandy, like she wants.. just doesn't work for me..

3) If you caught, it.. I said I use to have this desire. In number 2. Which, is true. I no longer know or have a desire of what I am going to do with my life. I don't see me having a life. I've been unhealthy for so long, without any signs of improvement.. just seems, I've realized I have no future. This realization, came about after talking with said "not friend" earlier. Just thought about what I had wanted to do.. and.. those things ever happening, just doesn't seem possible. Nothing seems possible anymore. Done about everything possible to get healthy.. with the only results being, none.. or worsening. I'm totally at a loss now. At the end of the line, and I have no idea how to improve things. Does this mean I plan to kill myself? Hell no. It's not in my wiring. It's something, I'm just not able to do.. though tried once, hehe. But, so.. I'm pretty much without hope here. No end in sight. Not even death. Fun fun.

4) My parents got home on Friday, after being gone a week. I had really enjoyed being alone.. well, brother was around part of the time, but.. I was basically alone, and had the house to myself. I was kinda sad to see them home. Didn't miss 'em at all. I'm so emotionally void when it comes to my family, blargh. No real feelings, even though I had a good upbringing, and was treated well and loved. Something in me must have broken growing up, or I was born broken. But, this experience has left me.. wanting to live alone. I enjoyed it, well.. over enjoyed having the freedom to do whatever I wanted. Did need to take care of things, but there wasn't much to take care of. I dunno.. think about it, I really enjoyed it. Most of my being feels like it would perfer the peace and freedom of living alone.. though, a part of me, deep down.. craves human affection so badly. But.. I really am not able to get that from my parents, anymore.. maybe if I was 6. So, I'll have to remain the paradox of wanting to be left alone, and not bothered by human interaction.. while deep down, craving human affection badly.

5) Yesterday, I got to talk to my "lil sis" Sam. Been about a month an a half, or two.. since I talked to her. She had wanted me to leave her alone, till June, since I remained her of bad memories, because 4 threes ago, in may.. I reported her for suicide, and had her put in a hospital. I so love her though (not romantically), so.. did as she requested. Glad to know she's still alive and such. No deep conversations or anything though.. she seems to have grown out of needing to confide in me and such, like when I first met her when she was 14, and we talked one time on the phone.. for like 6 hours. Wow. Time flew. And, boy time has flown. She'd growing up, gonna be 19 in under 3 months. And don't think, I am needed anymore.. it's like I'm losing her. But, it's a good thing. And she's taught me, to kind of know how it feels for a parent to have a child grow up, and move on. Should be happy, she's still alive, and such.. and she was never mine in the first place, lol. So it's not like I'm losing her. Though she still has a lot of problems, a lot of the same ones.. and just want her to be happy.

6) I had another instance where I wanted to yell at the media, but can't remember.. so guess saying all this is pointless.

Guess I'm done now.. bleck. Wish I could some time, post something actually good happening for me. Don't want to sound like a whoa is me person, in this journal.. but it's my place to vent, and let out things.. and.. there's not much good to talk about, so left with the bad.. seems rather pointless to post in here too. Does anyone actually come here, every so often.. curious, concerned, caring about me? Well, Mem.. I think does. I'm not so full of self pitty that I can't see that.

Though.. this journal isn't for that, it is.. nice though.. ya know?

Posted by Me on 6/02/2003 02:16:01 PM | Comments?

Saturday, June 07, 2003

Friday, June 06, 2003

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Monday, June 02, 2003

Sunday, June 01, 2003