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Journal

Is blogging dead.. main page isn't updating for me.. and my last entry, that was kinda long.. is gone? Bleck.

Will try posting again, sometime if this goes up.

Posted by Me on 5/10/2003 11:02:38 PM | Comments?

Shoot me.. I spent a large part of today thinking it's Friday. Why the hell would I think that??

Bleck.

Posted by Me on 5/07/2003 11:58:25 PM | Comments?

Blargh.. feel like complainning about not feeling well, but why bother? Does no good.. like.. everything else I've tried.

Yesterday, in the morning on the John Walsh show, the subject matter was cutters. I only saw the first 10 minutes because I needed to go out, blah. Would have liked to watch all of it. In the part I saw, the person on was talking about how it's an addiction. Cutting one's self. And, I agree. With any drug addiction, doesn't that urge to take whatever drug you were addicted to, come back.. when things aren't going well? I dunno personally, but I think so. That seems to be the way it goes, for cutters too. I was never big time into it, don't really know why I did it.. but, every so often, if I'm feeling emotionally distressed enough, I'll have the urge to do it. Little voice will be like, come on.. go for it. Fun!

So, I figure.. those who were more hardcore into it, it must be harder.. the urge stronger, when having quit it.

Anywho.. so, I was on my way out, drove past my neighbors house, next door. The grass needs to be cut, it's getting long.. and I dunno if that's why, but the front yard just got my attention. First I thought how some it seemed, and got a nice little flash back of playing TV tag on there. Freeze tag.. different sorts of tag, back when I was kid. Was, childhood friends with the girl who lived there.. guess you could say. Think once middle school hit, we were no longer.. playing, hanging out, etc. And she eventually died, my Junior year I believe it was, in High School (maybe senior?).

I found out in a nice way. I was going over to Karate, to teach then take class, and in the car my mom was telling me about what happened. Said she drove her car right into the side of the mall nearby. Pretty sure it was for attention, not to kill herself. A very violent cry for attention, cuz she didn't use her car, but her mom's car that had airbags, and she was wearing her seat belt. The place I take karate, well.. she would have had to drive by it, on her way to the wall she slammed the car into. It was about 200 yards from the place. So, we could see the scene.. where the car was, etc. As I was getting out of our car, I said to my mom, "So they're gonna get her help when she's out of the hopsital?" Or something to that extend. And my mom replied, "No, she's dead." Or something to that extend. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the day, try to remember or figure out what I was feeling. Since, I don't think I really was feeling anything.. wanted to point out to people, hey.. my next door neighbor died right down there today. But, I didn't.. though, how many times in your childhood or life, do you get a chance to do that? My only one I figure.

I'm not trying to sound cold. I just didn't feel much, maybe shock? That's possible. But anyway, that was an interesting spring, or half year you could say. No one I knew, up till that point in my life had died, and within 6 months or less, three people I knew had died. There was my next door neighbor I just mentioned, and there was my history teacher. He has cancer I think it was? Was in a wheel chair, and I believe lived much longer than the doctors had thought. He had an asstistant, nice woman. Poor thing though, no one told her he had died, she found out one the morning announcements. What'd I feel then? Nothing really either..

The third was my grandfather, on my father's side. He had stomach cancer, and so, we knew he was eventually going to die too. Again, really didn't feel anything. Could I blame not being able to feel anything on the "shock" of finding out they died? Perhaps. But then again, I never did.. end up feeling much, even after there was time for the shock to be gone. Didn't feel much at my grandfather's funeral. And didn't feel much at my next door neighbors wake. First, and only dead body I've seen in real life. Grandfather was creamated(sp?), so didn't get to see him. Now, hmm.. really didn't know what to say or think, seeing a dead body. It was just like, whoa.. that's a dead person, I use to play with as a kid. Well, didn't think the last part.. I just didn't know what to think. Maybe, just whoa fits.

Moving along, last night, I believe was the series finale of The Practice. It's a TV show. I thought it was a really good TV show, and I'm rather annoyed with how ABC just screwed it over. I don't know how long it's been on, but for quite a few years. It was usually on Sunday nights, did well. Then this season ABC decided to move it to Monday's. The creator of the show said the move would kill it, and I believe it did. It's possible, this could have just be the season finale.. but I don't think so. ABC, didn't even do much promoting the shows ends. It's like they just decided, screw it.. kill it. To me at least, the finale wasn't a final. It felt like it wasn't meant to be, but at the last minute got changed around, so it could be. I didn't feel much closure, or like anything was really resolved. Felt like a lot was left, undone.

Yeah, it's not like something I should be upset about, and I'm not really. It's just disappointing. TV shows, as sad as it sounds, can become part of your life. They become part of your routine, and you get use to seeing the characters every week. You grow, and change, as they grow and change (If the writing is good). You can find yourself secretly cheering for them, hoping things go there way.. and it's like you get to know them. And when a show ends, it's sorta like losing some friends. No, I know it's not really losing friends, but it's losing something that's been a constant in your life. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Been watching that show, for maybe 5 years now? It's been going for 7, I believe. Hopefully at least, they'll end the show with closure. Don't leave things hanging, make it end cleanly. The writing seems well enough done, so that won't happen. But, getting back on track.. understand the point I'm making about shows ending?

If not, that's okay. But, I'm sure there are others who do. Other "normal" people who aren't obbessed with the TV show. Just enjoy it as a small part of their life.

Well.. that's enough typing.

Posted by Me on 5/07/2003 12:26:25 AM | Comments?

I totally forgot. I saw spiderman for the first time, last night. The movie, on HBO.

Hmm.. I wouldn't call it a great movie. I thought it was okay. Good special effects, but again.. that doesn't make a movie great. I don't know, maybe if I had never heard of the spiderman story, or seen the cartoon growing up (well, not exactly growing up.. this was earlier '90's I believe), which I thought was really good, then the movie would have seemed better?

Beats me. Movies I found good? Backdraft. Like the emotion in it.. kid watched dad die in the beginning, really sad. Then they come back, and get the guy in the end. And the brother beats the fire (then dies). I like the theme song too, or well.. the music they have in it. Another movie, Braveheart. Like it, and at the end after the guy was tortured, and everyone thought he'd say mercy, he yelled Freedom. It's touching! Same with Titantic, liked that too. I knew the boat would sink at the end, but having that guy die.. wow. Didn't see that coming! Yeah, yeah.. I'm not explainning these in a way for someone who hasn't seen them. Not trying to review.

So, movies that touch me.. or something, I find good. These big action ones, eh.. they're okay.

Anyway.. that's it now. =)

Posted by Me on 5/05/2003 01:01:17 AM | Comments?

Weird, cable was out this evening.. though could still go online, guess I won't complain too much.

So this weekend, my brother and his girl friend.. or girl that is a friend, stayed here. Not sure, which they are.. but they flirt like 1st graders, hitting each other all the time. Anyway, them and my parents went out to watch X-Men yesterday. Looks like a good movie, I thought the first.. was, okay. Not great. Yeah, fancy special effects.. but, that doesn't make a movie good.

Umm.. Jesus Christ! Why the hell is the TV set to a station that has the 700 club? Or something about some guy preaching about god.. ahhh... must change!

Back.. it was Fox. What's up with that? Anyway, I wasn't feeling good.. for me. Which isn't good, so.. there was no way in heck I would have been able to go see the movie. Would have been nice too, I think. But it wasn't in the realm of possible.

Oddly though, later.. brother, his girl type friend were outside.. playing with the basketball. Parents were doing stuff too. I was having a moment of not feeling too bad, so decided to join them. Shot some hoops, got out the football.. and stupidly through it around for awhile. Did a little "covering" which involved some movement.. bleck. Lungs started hurting nice and good, not sure if that's the asthma, or just being out of shape.. or maybe both.

We then went back to Basket ball, actually playing a game of 2 on 2. Oy. Lungs were killing me, throat.. like weird achy type feeling. Eventually, it didn't hurt as much, cuz it moved to my ears!! That made no sense. But anyway, so I'm trying to play basket ball, my ears are killing me.. wasn't wearing my glasses, and it was starting to get dark. It's safe to say, I had more than enough excuses for not being able to shoot, even if I couldn't before hand, when I felt find and was wearing glasses. I'm not blind without them, just.. I took them off to keep them safe, and going from clear to not so clear.. hurts.

That whole thing lasted about 50 minutes. Not bad, go my body for giving me a moment of "normalness."

Today.. I'm a bit sore. But a good sore. Poor out of shape mucles! =]

Well, later.

Posted by Me on 5/04/2003 11:50:42 PM | Comments?