My Place (v4)

Was reading a friends blog earlier today, or was it yesterday? Actually, it being past midnight, I'm positive it was yesterday. Anyway, she had a big post about how she can't stand being inside all the time. Well, pretty much couldn't go anywhere. She and her love only have one car, and such. I don't want to go into the details, about why. Just, she felt like her apartment is like a prision. Trapped there 24/7. Though, people come over there to hang out.. she doesn't join in though, since their interests differ? So, guess that makes the isolation worse. And she feels really bored with that too. I'm not explainning it well, but this post is supposed to be about me damnit!

Anyway, that hits on an old issue of mine. I don't consider my house a prision, I have a car I can use.. my prision, is my body. I'm stuck in it 24/7. I just don't feel it's healthy enough anymore, for me really to beable to do anything now. Go out to see a movie? No thanks. Why put myself through the suffering going out, for just those few hours would cause? And I know I wouldn't feel good, or comfortable. So what's the point? Last year at this time, I was taking 1 class up at my college.. and TA'ing another, and that had my body pushing it's limits. How awful is that? Thanksgiving wasn't fun. Intestinal yuckiness feeling, while having this food to eat, doesn't work. Christmas dinner? We went out, maybe it was an hour.. time. Wasn't feeling good, there either.. didn't enjoy my meal much, didn't finish it.. just wanted to get home, about halfway through the meal. It sucks. And yes, I am not going into much detail about the way things feel, and such.. or the things this body puts me through, not trying to hide.. just don't feel like going into details. Though will say, no one should beable to feel the location of their intestines! And certainly not all the gawd damn time. At least, in the past.. it could feel "fine" for awhile. Not anymore.

Been seeing doctors for this, back.. since 95-96ish. First specialist I was sent to was a fucking idiot. Decided, Surgery would fix me up! So went under the knife, and I was feeling all this hope that it'd make things better! Though, things weren't that bad then.. no where like now. Still, not right. Guess what the results were? None. No improvement. So I got sent to another specialist. He did testing, tried pills.. couldn't find anything physically wrong. Decided it was all in my head, the asshole. Sent me to a shrink. Fucking idiot. Oh, and he had this conversation with me, while I was still doped up.. after having just performed a not very fun test on me.

It's so god awful idiotic. Sure, maybe I was showing signs of depression, but who the fuck wouldn't, when their health is worsening, and nothing is helping? I use to be happy, damnit. Anyway, believe I got sent to another doctor, more testing. Fun! Then another doctor, he stuck a tube up somewhere, that it shouldn't be stuck up, to see how my large intestine looked. Guess what? Fine again! Yeah, that's the test, they like doing (they all did it..). Dope ya up for it. Oh, and I've had my small intestines and upper GI looked at too. You drink this god awful tasting stuff, and then they use some machine to get pictures of your insides. All clear there.

I've tried Eastern medicine too. Lots of stuff. Lots of testing, everyone would offer hope.. and then nothing good would come of that hope. Bah, so much fun. 26 fucking years old, and this is my life? Err.. no life.

Anyway, got off track. My friend was saying how bored she was, how she couldn't stand it. I don't feel the same way really. Not really bored, can get bored at times. Not bored to tears though. But, maybe having people hang out here would make things more boring? I dunno. I use up a lot of time, dealing with some of the symptons of my lovely health, that.. I dunno. Doesn't seem like I have a lot of time. I wouldn't call those dealings fun though, no where near fun. Just needed, and yes being vague. I dunno, I had something I wanted to rant about.. but ended up ranting about other stuff, and totally lost myself. Oh, joy.. the fucking ulnar nerve that is out of place in my right elbow has decided to start hurting. Only thing that can fix that is surgery, which won't be happening.

So guess, I'll just end now.. feeling unfinished.

Edit: Not sure if this covers what I want to say, but.. am I not happy with my life like this? Totally. It sucks. But why am I not as unhappy as my friend is? This existence bites, it's boring, there's almost no interaction with people. Mainly, only when I see someone online.. which is happening rare now. Email? Ha! Last email I got, was someone asking about a message board that wasn't even mine. I just wish, my health would decide to just kill me.. or get better. Not leave me inbetween death and life. Cuz, this ain't living.. but I'm obviously not dead. I just don't know. I seem to been carrying a bit of anger with me.. I can feel it. Though, I can also feel happy too.. like, wheee.. life is okay. But it's not! Have things been so awful, have I been so without any real form of human interaction.. that I've just accepted this life? Fooling myself into being okay with this? I'm not okay though! What the fuck.. I'm not! I don't want to live like this, I can feel.. no, can't feel it. I can think it. But, I don't feel anything deep inside me.. no strong emotions about this. What's with that? Am I broken inside? Have I given up? I don't think I have.. it's like, I'm still me, but not me.. I'm this over person, and I'm stuck being them. Trying to feel the me I use to be, but.. just feel this other person. Shiiit.. this gives me something to think about. And, kinda depressing, if I could feel.. right now I can't. Damn.. =\

Posted by Me on 4/12/2003 03:09:13 AM | Comments?

Well, as I said I would do a few days ago.. here's the recap of what happened during and after the little ice storm we had. And I'm not talking about the movie.. which, was hmm.. different.

Friday:
For most all of the day, it was rainning. And, the temp never got above freezing. Though, it was just rain. For the most part. The Areas north of us were having freezing rain the whole day, so in that regard, we were lucky. For those who don't know what freezing rain is, it's basically.. really cold rain, sometimes in ice form, or like a water/ice form, and when it falls, everything gets coated in Ice. Roads, Cars, Trees, Tree Branches, Power Wires, Phone Wires, etc. Everything outside.

Anyway, after the sun went down, the rain here turned to freezing rain as well. Everything was getting a nice coat of ice on it. Me being in my own little world in my head, didn't think much of this. Then, around 8:30ish, the cable went out. Bleck.. so, couldn't watch TV or go online. Looked outside, everything was coated nicely in ice. Figured a tree branch or something must have fallen on the cable wire somewhere. Not that big of a deal though, because I just started playing our Super Nintendo System. Remember those? Real old. I broke it out a few weeks ago, and play around with it every so often. Kind of fun, and brings back memories from child/teenagehood. So, was having fun playing that, in the room that's got like a big bay window, that's at the front of the house. After awhile, I notice there is a fire truck, about a house down from us, to the left. Was, like.. hmm.. wonder why they're here. Mentioned it to my parents, since it was something to look at. It appeared they were standing on top of it, trying to get to the power wires.. and they were saying watch out for those wires. Then we noticed something else, the transforming on the pole there, was on fire! Now, maybe this wouldn't seem like such an amazing thing, if it wasn't pouring freezing rain out. It wasn't putting the fire out! It was electrical.

My Dad comments upon seeing the thing on fire, "We're screwed." I'm wondering what that means, still being in my own little world.. then it started to slowly dawn on me, and that's when the power was cut. About maybe 5 houses on our street, including ours lost power. The transformer was just for our little section. So, from here we watch the fire people, get flashlight.. candles. Also go outside to watch them working, or really.. just looking at it. Guess they didn't have much they could do? There's always spraying water on it.. but, considering the pouring rain was having no effect, you'd figure that idea was out. Think there is foam that can be used? But maybe the rain could wash that out. Anyway, while outside I decide to knock some of the ice off the net of our basketball hoop. Since it was coated in ice. So I jumped up, and with my bare hand opened, I smacked it. Then I went ow! Not loudly, just hurt. The net is rope, the rope was soaked, the soaked rope was ice. Didn't budge. So, I tried again, with a closed fist to see how frozen it was. And it was very frozen. So, decided that idea wasn't a break one to keep at it.

After awhile, after we were inside, the a fireman came over to our house, told us not to go outside.. and to stay away from the area that had the fire, they said a power line was down, but they thought it was dead. Though, better to stay away. Then they left (Well they went to everyone's house too). When they were gone, the fire started up again. Got fairly big looking at times, and there were lots of sparks flying out of it. Dead.. yeah. Oh, forgot to mention when you went outside, you could smell it burning. Anyway, watched this for awhile.. until it died down and stopped sparking.

With that excitement gone, I went to play with a candle instead. Ended up making a nice big ball of wax, whheee.. fun.

My brother and a friend of his were staying over for the weekend, so before we went to bed, we left a note on the door and a flashlight. The note telling them where the flashlight was. I was out voted, in wanting the note to tell them to find the flashlight, boo. In bed I could hear the ice hitting the side of the house, and roof before I went to sleepy.

Saturday
I was up first! Go me, I so rock. Actually, got to bed fairly earlier.. and it was a Saturday morning, so 8:45 am would have me up first. Had breakfast, was sad there was no power.. lol.. and eventually, took a shower first. I wanted what was left of the hot water damnit! Though I was nice enough to leave enough hot water for someone else, instead of taking a long shower.. bleck. Wanted one, the house was cold. No heat! To heat the house, we ended up making a fire in the fire place, with wood logs. Yeah, from trees. And we also turned the burners on our stove on, which was my brilliant idea. My dad not wanting to waste gas, by just having the burners on.. put pots of water on them, to boil water. So instead of just wasting gas, we were wasting water too. Fun! Not very logically, but.. having the stove and fireplace going did start to warm the house up. Got up to 68, in parts.

At about 11:45, I decide I want to call and talk to people.. since I was already going in too no power withdrawl. Gawd, I'm sad. So I got out this notebook, where I have lots of people's names and numbers on a page in it. Over the years, if I was going to call someone I met online, I wrote down their number. Looking at some of the names, I wondered who the hell the person was.. lol.. or some I hadn't talked to in so long, calling them would be very silly. First person I called, wasn't home, or no answer. Second person I called, was home. Called Sam.. because I really didn't have anyone else I could call. She answered, sounding like I woke her up.. oops. Asked if I did, she said yeah.. but didn't mind, since she had her alarm set to go off in 5 minutes. So we got to talk for awhile, then she had to go. Back to being all stupidly bored!

Later in the afternoon, I went looking to see what board games we had stored, and found action figures from when I was younger! Well, earlier and mid teens, I was allowed to still play with them, since my brother was younger.. allowed me to stay in childhood longer, hehe. Anyway, I broke them out to play with. Had a WWF ring, and a whole bunch of WWF action figures (Or WWE now). Had some of the big, barbie size.. figures too. Some from Star Trek. Captain Kirk, Warf, and Bichard, if I spelled that right.. they were slightly messed up, hehe.. and some x-men that size as well (In the past, they use to beat up barbie and ken and gem). There were other figures too, assortment from different things. So, reverted to childhood and played with them for awhile.. made 'em fight. Brother played around too for awhile, was kinda fun. That maybe went on for an hour, or so.. or less.

Later in the day, we got Marshmellows, gramcrackers, and cholocate. Made smores with the fire from the fireplace, whhheee.. yummy! I also made another ball of wax later, while there was a crew outside working on restoring power. Oh, and I forgot to mention, before I went to bed, everyone's power went out, so it was fair. We weren't the only ones without. The crew, when we asked told us we should have power back on in an hour or so. This was after 5 pm, I believe. And this was great news! Because, well.. the final four was on TV. Syracuse from playing at 8:30, and it would have sucked not being able to watch the game! By about 6-7, the power did come on. But no cable, though that wasn't that big of a deal.. I went back to playing on the SNES, hehe. But, after awhile.. cable came back on, and got to watch S.U. win.

So, I lived.. day was at least somewhat entertainning, getting to relive part of childhood. Also we learned, Saturday.. watching TV, about 120,000 people didn't have power. There were "warming centers" set up, and shelters for people to stay out. On Sunday or Monday a place was open for people to shower at too. A middle school. Bunch of schools were closed though, some till Wednedays, and there still are people without power now. Hopefully they'll get it up by this weekend.

Anyway, damn.. spent over a half hour typing this, hope there are no typos, not checking. =P

Posted by Me on 4/11/2003 12:38:04 AM | Comments?

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Friday, April 11, 2003

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Sunday, April 06, 2003