My Place (v4)

Well.. me, deciding to be stupid.. thought, might as well watch President Bush's Prime Time "Scripted" Press Conference. While he was giving his opening speech, it gave me this urge to drill into my brain with a power tool. Gawd.. and, interesting how all the reporters who got to ask questions, were already selected. Really made it look like, he was maybe ready for the questions? Some good questions were asked (only some, mostly tame, bleck).. though, and wouldn't say Mr. Bush exactly looked ready for all of them. Pretty much, what.. he just repeated the same thing over and over? And how many times did he say weapons of mass destruction? Err.. I could comment better, but.. really.. it wasn't exactly a high light, of my life.. so don't want to relive it.

Did at one point, fall asleep for a bit.. lol.. so, didn't get to see all of it. Would have been nice if someone called him on rebuilding Iraq, asked him if he planned to do such a piss poor job, that he did in Afghan. He's claimming how he will make Iraq a free country.. while the numbnut is leaving Afghan in chaos. Great job!

Anywho.. think I mentioned thinking I had feelings or something for an online friend? If that online friend happens to read this, don't worry.. nothing serious. Just a pattern of mine, which I have realized.. and am putting a stop too. It feels like they could develop, but unlike in the past... won't allow it this time. Just silly, crushness.. I'm staying in control.

And yes.. leaving the name unsaid, because it isn't that big of a deal.. and don't want anyone to feel bad or anything. =)

Posted by Me on 3/07/2003 02:44:56 AM | Comments?

Even consider, what kind of impact the choices in our lives make? Ever have moments in your life, where one single choice, could have a huge effect on the path your life takes? Been thinking about this recently.. so thought, I'd ramble about two I can think of.

1) Back, when I was little.. taking swim classes, my parents were told I was showing natural talent in that area. I had a natural breast stroke kick, I remember them telling me (years later). So, my parents were given a choice. I could go into, I guess the youth type trainning that involves lots of time in the pool, with the hopes of becoming a great swimmer. Or, not.. and have a "normal" childhood, with a social life. They decided to pick the later, so I could grow up like any normal kid. Heh. Though, I wonder what life would be like if they picked the first option. Would I have actually gone onto the big time, starred on the international level, made the Olympics? Maybe even won some gold medals? Who knows.. will never know, since that option was never picked. Am I mad about it? No. Wouldn't exactly say I had a great childhood, though.. but still, did sorta have a social life. Though, the main thing that has me wondering is.. if my life went in that direction, maybe the health problems I now suffer from would never have happened? Who knows.. or maybe they would have still struck, and ruined my career while I was in my prime. That would have sucked, then again.. if I was a swimmer at the Olympic level, maybe I would have had the resources and actually competent Doctors who could have found a solution, and prevented my health from getting worse, and even healed me? I dunno. Leaves so many questions unaswered, to think about it.. heh. I could have been a gold medalist!

2) Maybe 4 or 5 years ago.. this girl I knew online, well, lets say there was a lot of good chemistry. I liked her, more than a friend. Cared for her. And one night, just during an initimate moment.. and I don't mean sexual, just emotionally initimate.. she was asking me why I was so nice to her. I never said it was because I like her, but because she deserved to be treated that way. Which, I do agree with. I had been burned, in a messed up long distance thing.. so guess that caused me to hold back. Because, a relationship with her at the time, would have been long Distance. I lived in New York. She liked in West Virginia. So.. we just reminded friends. Later on, maybe a few months, don't entirely remember the time line, she ended up getting involved with someone else online. She visited him, then ended up moving to live with him. Just my luck huh? Afraid of long distance, and she most likely would have been willing to move, if things went well, since.. she did it for this other guy. Pretty sad too, because later I learned she had feeling for me too. A mutual friend of our's, said it was obvious we did.. and didn't quite understand why nothing happened. Anyway, that one choice that.. to not tell her, leaves me wondering, what would have happened if I did tell her? Would we have become more than friends, gotten into a relationship? Would she have visited.. ended up moving here? Not a clue. My life certainly would be different now.. if that had happened. Health.. eh.. may still suck.. but maybe I would have someone who loved me, and understood.. I couldn't get out as much as "healthy" people? Maybe, heaven forbid.. I could be married? Who knows.. who knows.

Well.. that was fun. First one, yeah.. just silly to think about, second one.. well.. that's more depressing. Though, I'm not a full person.. right now, emotionally.. I would not be ready for a relationship. Back then.. not sure either. But, she was a really good person.. unlike other girl's.. I've gotten into relationships with, online.. ugh, loser I am! And, I do feel I am a good person. Perhaps we could have helped even other grow emotionally? Who knows. Right now, I know.. I'm still depressed, unhappy with life.. alone. And that makes me feel the need.. to have someone, to want someone. Unfortunately, I can feel that trying to happen with an online friend.. lol.. good person, and cute. But, nothing will happen there. I know it. I can control those feelings. No indugling shall occur. May sound like I'm being hard on myself, but my life situation.. there's no way, such a thing should be even considered right now. I'm accepted that fact. And, I also know she wouldn't be feeling the same way. So that's good. She's got her eyes on others. Hopefully.. things can go well for her there.. sure, a little part of me may feel some jealousy, but.. that just lets me know I still have a lot of work to do on myself, before I can even consider, getting involved with someone.

Well.. nice emotional type post I guess.. later!

Posted by Me on 3/06/2003 01:23:30 AM | Comments?

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