My Place (v4)

Wheee.. go me, posting two days in a row!

Last night was a bit disconcerting, err.. did I spell that right? lol After my entry, I came back online later.. when I was feeling a little better, so I could spend time online. I wanted to email Sam, my "little sis," not by blood, I just call her that sometimes. Unfortunately, the email I was using showed up as gone! Was like eep! Had known her since 1998, when she was 14.. 18 now, and she has problems with depression, and much more.. that I won't go into, so left me kind of worried. I emailed someone I know, who knows her, and hoped they'd get back to me. Last night, or this morning, I ended up having a dream that had her in a pretty bad situation.. but after I woke up, checked my mail, and there was an email from her. She changed her email, which I had forgotten about.. ugh, smack me!

Also last night, when I signed on AOL.. there were a lot of people on my Buddy List, well a few.. who I hadn't talked to in a long time! At least two of them, were in the do not talk to ever again file.. but I just have a thing against removing people from my BL, lol. One of them though, was in the talk to file. I'll call her Law (nick name). She IM'ed me actually. This is another girl I met online when she was 14. (Side note: NO! I am not some sicko stalker type person. Yes, I have met girls a lot younger than me online, but I don't do any dirty old man stuff! I just be a friend, try to give advice.. help.) She was 16 the last time I talked to her, 17 now. I remembered she was having panic attacks, though not sure they were really diagnosised yet. She was telling me about them, her fears, etc.. and I was trying my best to listen, and help. Luckily, she is doing better now. The attacks do come and go she said, but she has learned to deal with them, so that's good. Was nice hearing from her again.

Oh, going back to Sam.. I know the bad things only happen to bad people thing is false, but I so would like to help stop the bad things that happen to Sam. I've mentioned this before, but on the list of the people I love, she is tops. (Not romanticly you sicko!) Anyway, I would so just love it, if I could do something for her. Help make things better. She seems like such a nice person, though she has lashed out a bit, but it's understandable (has tried to push people away). Sometimes things can be just too much to deal with, when they are in your head. It's like, if I could just help her feel better.. then if nothing comes of my life, it wouldn't really matter, since she could make something with her's. Maybe that means I've given up on mine? Something I've been trying to keep Sam from doing with her's. Though, it's also the way I am. Like when I was talking to D's girlfriend on New Years eve, she mentioned the dire money situation they were in, how they could lose their car, D's job.. and their place of living, I so would have liked to help them out. Screw my problems, I wanted to solve theirs. That's how I am when it comes to someone I care about, and yes.. I care about those two. They have shown me kindness. And basically.. when I care about someone, it's like.. there issues come first. When I hear about their issues, it's like if I could help fix or solve them.. then I'd be happy. Still miserable and unhealthy, but happy they can have a chance at a better life, something I don't think I have a chance for.. though, that's not the reasoning. There is no reasoning or thought process, it's just how I feel. When someone I care for has problems, my natural reaction is to want to help someone, without a thought about my own.

On another side note, I met Sam in the suicide chatroom in AOL, I had these thoughts of going in there to help people, lol.. not sure if that's where I met Law too, oh well. The only problem with that room, is once you went in to talk to someone, to try and help them.. they can keep coming back for help, which isn't a bad thing.. it's just I use to go onto AOL to relax at times, and I'd have people come a calling. So stopped going in there, because well.. I needed me time too! Err, hope that didn't come off to selfish sounding. :)

Lastly.. up to 962 visitors! lol.. wow. Yeah, sure.. I figure I'm a bunch of them, and it's a bunch of the same people.. but still kewl! Maybe at least a 3rd of it could be different people maybe.. then they run from boring me. And hmm.. had 3 people come to my journal looking for pics of Vanessa Carlton. One wanted nude pics! Bleck, LOL. What about pics of Shawia Twain, Michelle Branch, hmm.. if I'm spelling those names right, ugh! Think I should just list a bunch of famous names to turn up on more searches? hehe

Till next time.

Posted by Me on 1/02/2003 02:00:58 PM | Comments?

Seems like, I no longer have bad days, and not so bad days.. health wise, I have been having bad days, and worse days. Sucks, and well.. don't really feel up to posting in here right now, so not gonna write about Christmas yet. It'll take awhile.

Fuck. Had stuff I wanted to say, but god damnit.. fucking blocked now. Don't feel good, haven't felt good in a long fucking time. Happy fucking new year to me!

For new years, sorta just had on MTV's new years show or whatever. With all the happy people, enjoying themselves without a care in the world at the moment. Wish I could have moments like that, but ya know.. there's no fucking break from this body! People who have other problems, at least can leave them for awhile, there's nothing I can do to leave mine, unless maybe killing myself. But, that isn't exactly something I can do, now is it? The idea of cutting a bit, popped up.. last night, but really.. there's no point in that either. Seen enough blood last couple of days (no details), and add that to how my lower GI has been feeling (worse and weirder than usual), makes me think maybe I'll just drop dead sometime soon, or not wake up. Doubtful, very doubtful. Most likely it'll be a slow and painful, but no worries.. if that happens, it happens. Don't think it will, so don't freak.

Anyway, was sorta just gonna watch MTV's thing, was gonna just be depressed and mope about.. but D's girlfriend chatted with me for awhile instead, kind of made it hard after that. She seems like a really nice person, or at least in her treatment of me, which makes me believe D is certainly very lucky. I'd say they both are for finding each other. I doubt I'll ever find anything that like, or someone to love.. I see nothing happening in this life. Nothing can, not until I'm healthier. My parents went out to a movie tonight.. I didn't go. Didn't really care for the movie, I would watch it on TV, plus I wasn't feeling well enough to begin with. So how the fuck am I supposed to beable to find someone and have a relationship with them, if I'm to the point where I'm not well enough to go watch a fucking movie? Gawd, it's so sad. Oh, and yeah.. I was talking to D's girlfriend online, not offline.. not face to face. Sure, I could meet someone online, but why the fuck would I want to torture myself like that? I've done the long distance thing before, it doesn't work. It hurts, it sucks.. and in all three cases I was being lied to, to begin with.. so screw it.

Wow, get into rant mode.. and I'm less blocked! Hmmm.. guess I'm done for now, blah.. anyone got a gun? LOL

Oh yeah.. hmm.. so it's new years. Time for new things! Oh wait.. that's right, nothing had fucking changed. I could call last year a waste, but the first half wasn't that much of a waste, did experience some new things.. unfortunately, I could have experienced more if I was healthy. Last half of the year was a complete waste though. Bleck.. right now, this year looks to be like that, a waste. Just wish I could start experiencing, having a life.. I mean, what's the point in living like this? There isn't.

Posted by Me on 1/01/2003 08:48:30 PM | Comments?

Thursday, January 02, 2003

Wednesday, January 01, 2003