My Place (v4)

Hmm.. think my last post was a bit harsh. So want to clear some things up.

First, if someone wants to help out, and only can once.. then that's good. I didn't mean to make it sound like that if you only plan to help once, then don't do it. Helping is good. It just seems like those who are more misfortunate, are forgotten or ignored, when it isn't the holiday season, which doesn't seem entirely right to me. Some people seem to live in their own little world, unaware of what's going on around them. It takes an event for them to see the world, and the needs of others. Holidays are an example, and so is 9/11. Lots of people came together to help out for that, then some of those people just returned to their own world.

I think it's okay if you make out a wish list, if it's reasonable. If you aren't asking too much from others, putting them indebt, I think it's okay. Not okay for me, I have such issues with asking for things for birthdays or christmas, just feel like such a waste of money. Though, still nice if someone remembers. Don't need a truck load of gifts to know people care.

Anywho, saw Lord of the Rings last night, the first one.. not the orignal movie, but the first one of the new movies. Saw the orignal movie, maybe 10 or more years ago. Unless they've made more movies? Didn't really remember much from the orignal, so the movie is new to me. Haven't read the book either. I guess I'd call it okay, don't think it was awesome, but not awful either. Inbetween.

That's all for now, happy holidays if you can feel joy from them.

Posted by Me on 12/24/2002 03:17:13 PM | Comments?

Christmas is coming up this week, bleck. Talk about the King of greed days! Also known as a Holiday.

Seems like most people think they should recieve presents. I ask why? Why the do you need presents? It's just a damn day used by buisnesses to make lots of money. Why should we be wasting our money on things we don't need? It's so materialistic, it's just sickening. Well, maybe not sickening, but I'm in angry rant mode right now.

Anyway.. actually, it is sickening. Well when people buy tons of presents. It's like my fucking god, what a waste of money. I'm reminded of the end of home alone 2, when the kids find a room in their hotel just filled with presents. Bleck. And just seeing when someone has a Christmas aka I want list, it's just.. grow up! You're not a fucking child anymore. Though in all fairness I do have a list, on it.. a toothbrush. Because I could use a new one. Not something I want, but a need.

Speaking of children, the whole Santa thing is such crap. Just another lame ass joke to get your kids to behave and for toy companies to make tons of money. Though, do kids actually behave in the summer, because Santa is watching? Doubtful. And you shouldn't raise your kids, under the false idea that being good will get them presents in return. You should raise them to want to be good, without expecting anything in return. Is it really being good, if you are only acting that way, thinking you'll get something in return? Sounds more selfish to me.

Hmm.. yeah, some people do give to charity once. Or maybe donate some cans to a soup kitchen, but what good is that really? Yes, it's good to help.. but just once? What about the rest of the year? People aren't in need and suffering all year round? Is it only on the holidays when people need help? Seems that way, going by most people's actions. Blah.. but I guess it's nice to think your helping someone out, right?

I will admit, growing up as a child.. I was all, I want, I want.. or so, maybe until 12? Think it was around that age. Just remembering opening presents and feeling so empty inside. Felt no real joy that Christmas. Everything changed, and not a clue why. Since then, it's just been another day for me. Seems funny how people find it weird when I really don't want anything. For my Birthday this year, hmm.. eh, I did milk it a bit, got some stuff. New mouse, we needed one. Got a real cheap webcam. Got some extra cable for the computer, since we needed that.. and a computer game. Lots of fun.

Maybe I'm just bitter. The only thing I truly want for Christmas, I'll never be able to get or ask for. What is that? Good health. There is no easy fix, or way I can see to ever heal. Use to believe it, but lost that hope. Reached the end of my road. I'm no longer living, this isn't living.. I'm not dead though either, not yet. I'm just stuck inbetween. Not sick enough to die, not well enough to live. I could make the dying happen, but won't. So there's no way out. Though, at times I do think I could be dying..

Anyway, just lately.. I find myself so filled with rage. Like, the smallest things could set me off. No, I haven't had any violent out-bursts.. it's just so grrr. There's a lot of anger. Feels like the person I am, or use to be.. has died. Think he is still there somewhere, or maybe I am still me.. just lost. I'm a helper, that's how I am programed, lets say.. but haven't really been able to do that. Haven't been able to interact with people, and help. So what's that leave me as? Blah.. I'm just living a tortured existence, and believe me.. this is. I will not go into some private details of what this body puts me through, lets just say.. it's very very inhumane treatment.

Lastly, lets talk about New Years. What's the big deal there? It's another day. Big whoop if it's a new year. What does having it be a new year mean? Nothing. None of your problems will disappear. Nothing changes, besides the date. Maybe some people can enjoy it, but for me it just means another year wasted due to illness.. and a new year of hell. What a great thing to celebrate!

Guess that's it for now, I'm out.

Posted by Me on 12/22/2002 04:08:02 AM | Comments?

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

Sunday, December 22, 2002