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Journal

Forgot to mention this in my last entry, could edit.. but will just put it here. The surgery my father had on his knee was pretty minor, no crutches, though not supposed to really walk on it until tomorrow. So like nothing too major, I've had worse done on my elbow.. lol.. but, for some reason, I was having thoughts that something would go wrong, and he'd die, lol.. ugh. I don't know why or where those thoughts came from. There was nothing to be worried about. Thoughts even continued for a bit, afterward and yesterday. It's silly, and I just feel like if I allow those thoughts to roam, then it'd happen. Like if I think about it too much, it'd happen.. so I try to push those thoughts out of my head, making any sense?

Beyond thoughts, maybe slight little fantasies. I do that a lot, just think up situations that would suck, and put myself in them.. and just think about what I'd do and how I'd feel. Sometimes it can be no fun. This time around was thinking about how I'd feel.. uh, don't think I'd have much emotion? And posting in here about it. Good nothing happend, since well.. he is the sole provider of the household, and I think a lot of people would be really upset. Don't know about me.. it's not like I don't care, I do.. just can't feel it. Majorly emotionally blocked to family for some reason, and there was no abusive or mistreatment, so like, that makes no sense.

Anywho, on a more funny note.. anyone watch Tough Enough 3? It's people trying out to be pro wrestlers for the WWE. It was funny, because this one guy named Wendell was all like how he was better than everyone, but during the work outs, he would fall down and act like there was something wrong. Doctor didn't find anything, and he was saying how he would try harder, do good, etc.. yelling it infact. The next day he pulls it again, falling down.. lying down, trying to look like he was passing out? Too bad the guy incharge has a bit more experience in that area, lol.. chewed out poor Wendell, and Wendell again was saying forcefully how he wasn't faking, how he could do good, etc.. lol. Pissed the head guy off, since he somehow had the energy to speak like that. So, Wendell got yelled at a ton more then kicked off the show.

LOL.. wonder what his friends are gonna say to him when they see the episode.

Umm, anyway.. tis all for now.

Posted by Me on 10/25/2002 11:37:28 PM | Comments?

Um, hope my entries haven't been making me sound like some big psycho crazy dangerous loser with no life? I will admit to the no life part, but I'm not psycho crazy dangerous. Think I was just trying to talk about how you can have thoughts floating around in your head, that aren't very great.. and you'd rather not talk about, ya know? Kind of like the whole Angel/Devil thing on the shoulders, mine are just loud. I never listen to the Devil said though, and I'm not bad at all! Hell, I can't even bring myself to kill other people's characters in the online game I'm playing. Would make me feel bad and guilty. Though, if they attack me first.. they die. Their character I mean! :)

Anyway, yesterday my Father had surgery on his knee, nothing major, just had it scoped I think.. but still shouldn't be walking around that much, and my mom went out of town today, so I'm left home to be the care taker, fun! I get to took dinner and all that junk, lol. Won't be making anything too fancy. But I'll be able to manage.

Hmm.. tummy isn't feeling too good, and that's about it for now.

Posted by Me on 10/24/2002 01:50:05 PM | Comments?

Hmm.. I forgot what I wanted to type.. argh. Listening to the Corrs' Breathless right now, I blame them!

Oh yeah, wanted to say I was hoping to feel better today.. and did, kinda.. though also, the way things were behaving, tomorrow could be a very icky sick feeling day too. Hope not, since that like sucks.. I think, life would be easier, if I just had my intestines removed, and got a little baggy, but that is a bit of an extreme.. and with no health insurance, a bit too exepensive. Don't think any doctors would go for that, I've had the thing looked at from the inside, and nothing wrong is ever found. And ouch.. that isn't fun! Though, since they can't seem able to explain the bleeding, never. Think they just ignore that complaint, since they don't see anything wrong?

One doctor, the one who gave me the most hope.. explainned it was microsoptic(sp?) holes, from my immune systems war with things that didn't belong, which I had enough of. Hmm.. wonder what happens if those holes just can bigger? Well, I won't have to deal with this existence if that happens. Doubtful though, this problem has been around for quite a few years.

Hmm.. also, interesting.. after my last post about thinking about cutting, haven't really thought about it. But now since I've been asked not to do so, it's back in my mind.. lol.. ugh, no don't feel bad anyone! Odd though, been having messed up thougts in my head lately, ones I do not wish to go into.. very not too. And no, doesn't involve hurting myself. Just.. others, some of them. Nothing I will do, they are just there.. and I don't like them there!

I did once said I'd rather have mental things to deal with, then physical.. well guess I got the first part granted. Maybe. =\

Though.. mood wise I have been feeling okay today, so rejoice!

Posted by Me on 10/22/2002 05:18:05 AM | Comments?

Wanna know what's fucked up? No need to answer, I'll tell ya.

This room. It gets like hot or something, well sorta.. and I get the stupid wet under arm feeling, I HATE that. Other areas too, but that's private.. hehe. Anywho, so I turn on the AC, and I'm shivering, freezing, and still fucking sweating some! I mean, that's not fucking normal.

Uhh.. I'm mad right now too, lol.. but yeah, just felt like venting.

Posted by Me on 10/21/2002 04:09:36 PM | Comments?

Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike this body? Ugh. Most people I think.. don't give their large intestines a second thought.. me.. well, it's pretty hard not to, when mine doesn't like me. Today, it really doesn't like me. Feeling kinda crampy, some burning type sensations.. and just a things aren't right type feeling (I want a new one!). It's hard to explain. There's really nothing I can do to make it feel any better either, and oh.. sorry, didn't want to hear about that? Well I don't want to feel it, so just live with it, I have too.

Hehe.. was that bitter sounding?

Today, despite the way I was feeling.. took the time to go through my magic cards, to seperate the white ones from the rest. Mem has been mentioning how she wants them, because she collects them, so thought I'd look through mine. It's odd though, maybe, I don't want to part with any of them, even though I doubt I will ever be using any of them ever again. Haven't touched them in like 8-9 years. So what's the big deal? I'm just too damn sentimental, I guess. I'm the way about everything. I'm horrible at throwing things away, I keep things, as reminders or whatever. Going through the cards today, reminded me of parts of my teenagerhood, times when I actually knew what feeling happy was like. Hmm.. guess it can be said I know what it feels like now, I just don't truly. Life was more carefree then as well. Less worries. Thought I had a future. Thought I'd have a life right now. Have a job, a career, maybe as a karate instructor, lol.. and have a wife.

Safe to say I fell way short, of what I thought life would be like at 25 (this is my second year as 25). No job or career. No way in hell I could be a karate instructor, this body is too fucked up. And a wife? Haven't even really had a girlfriend yet (online crap doesn't count). Looking back then, to what I thought life would be now, it's just like.. what the fuck happened. Well, I know what happened.. my body said fuck you to me, and said fuck having a life. It's just a wonderful existence I have.

Anyway, umm.. I rambled off the point. The magic cards, reminded me of good times, and things I haven't thought of in a long time. Many memories. Not just of using them, of other memories involved with the people I played them with. Haven't seen any of those people in a little over 8 years. Ya know, I don't have any close friends to come to think of it. Well, offline I mean. Online I do, a small number, which is something right? I think I could include Mem in that grouping, though I have wondered what exactly she sees in me? Like, I'm just some guy she knows from the internet. Just happened to start talking, and it turned into a thing that happened quite often online. She even messages me, when she is invis.. so she doesn't hide from me, actual wants to talk to me? I dunno, I'm just being irrational right now. Obviously there must be something good she sees? I know I do care about her as a friend and person more than I do for most people (there are others on that list), nothing romantic.. curious if she feels the same way? Umm.. yeah, and she reads this journal.. but the hell with that, it's my journal, and I can write whatever I want too! Umm.. *waves to Mem* It's not like I am typing this to get a response or some sort of reply.. just rambling stupidly about stuff in my head.. I guess.

Err.. yeah, so I can't stay on topic, so guess I'll wrap up.. though, at least the Bills and Eagles won today, that was nice of them. Didn't need to be all disappointed there.

Ohhh.. d'oh, my point.. I think, like I dunno, just feel like I'll be giving part of myself away, if I give some cards away? A part of me I miss? I know, sounds silly.. maybe not explainning it well. It's kinda of like giving away those good times, but hell.. if it brings her joy, why not? Will need someone's new address though, and maybe someone can try out their psychometry(sp?) on some of them since I figure there have some meaning to me, lol, yeah, see.. so instead of doing something nice for a friend, I can find a selfish reason for it. Just call me a selfish person!

Well yeah, I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.. and please don't read too much into this, I'm just.. don't know.

Till later!

Posted by Me on 10/21/2002 12:26:33 AM | Comments?