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Journal

Ever like find yourself doing something you know you shouldn't do, because it isn't good for ya.. but you do it anyway? Bad habbit, addiction, or whatever? It may bring some empty pleasure, but there is no good that comes from it.. and can only cause bad.

Anyway, hmm.. been thinking I'd like to see some blood, lol. I don't know why, but I do. Cutting my wrist would be bad though, hard to hide, though the weather is cold so I've been wearing long sleeved shirts more often.. and damn this room, feel like I need gloves kinda, but how can I type with gloves on?? But, so.. could go for ankle, which socks could cover up easily. Sam cuts there, but umm.. what good would it do me? Makes no sense, just feel like I want to cut myself and see blood. I can see myself doing it too, which is odd. Not seeing myself actually doing it, just seeing it happen in my mind. But, all it would do is cause me more pain and discomfort, something I have enough of already.. though in this instance, I would have control over it, because it would be me causing it. Normally it's just poor health.

No worries though, I won't.. maybe, most likely. Even if I did, I'd be fine.. I use to cut myself, never very deep. I called myself a wussy cutter, for that reason. Haven't cut since, maybe June? Though, I cut then because I was doing a little ritual to try and promote good health. Blood sacrifice, lol. Before that, April.. because I wanted too? Started with my arm/wrist area, but didn't get anything from that, so got this weird idea in my head to write something on myself. Choose to write "HI." And did so on the top of my hand, where it'd be easy to see. Now, why I did this.. I don't have a clue, I just did it. Something you could say I've regretted a bit, lol.. at least it really isn't that noticable now.

Anyway.. enough rambling, made my post for today so I can go. :)

Posted by Me on 10/19/2002 02:15:43 AM | Comments?

Uh yeah.. it's been awhile, can you tell?

Didn't want to post in here tonight, either.. but wanted too.. also, decided I'd put it off some more, but then I looked in my comments section and guest book.. I actually got some replies, so it just gave me that extra motivation I had been missing.. See, it's like, for some reason last week I just lost my will to live it seems.. no, not will to be alive, will to live. Be constructive, do things.. like post in here, etc. I'm just happy to exist, well sorta. It's more happy numb. Like, I've just pulled myself out of reality, and I'm in my own little happy world. It's not happy, but it feels happy if I let it. Like, I put on a happy mask, but this happy mask wasn't for other people to see, it was for me to see. I know what's underneath, but I prefer to look at the mask. This making any sense?

Anyway.. just have a total lack of motivation/will to really do anything that requires like work.. making the situation worse, I found a game close to Ultima Online, that is currently in beta testing and it's free to play. An answer to my prayers? lol It's called Dransik. I play on the New World server if anyone wants to come play (you start on a newbie island you need to leave though), hehe.. err.. the game takes awhile to down load, and for you first log on, depending on connection speed, it may take an hour or two to log on. On my cable, it was fairly quick. Getting back to my point, since I'm in escape-shy-away-from-the-world-hide-the-pain mode, this game is bad. I'm enjoying it a lot (starts slow), got a good character being built up.. and so, instead of doing things I should, I'm playing it.. ugh.. yeah. I should just stop, do what I need to do.. check email, read message boards, work on stuff, etc. But how do you do that when you have lost your will too? Where do you get it back from?

A few nights ago, I had a dream. In the dream there was this girl, I knew I had history with her. Well, it was like she was in a dream before, or part of the dream was to have memories of something happening with her before? I'm not entirely clear on the details, but I had told her I loved her too soon.. for some reason.. and she was upset about that. We both did care for each other, but weren't at that point. I had a reason for it, wanted to explain it to her. Anywho.. she was mad with me in the dream kinda. Was getting the silent treatment. My point? Well, this dream just stood out in my mind. I'm not sure why. I can precog dream. Meaning dream things that come true. I don't think this was something that would happen, but it just stands out. Like I know her. Just felt like I did, but I don't know who she was. If I was more pathetic I'd be like, dude, she is my dream girl, I must find her! But, I'm not that sad. And I'm leaving out details from this dream on purpose, so no messaging me to mess with my head saying you are her, I'll just question ya. :P

The next night, well.. morning, I was just lying in bed, and a Venessa Carlton song was playing on the radio, which reminded me of Jill (I remember people with music), since one of her songs was on the radio that day Jill gave me a car ride. That then made me think I dreamed of her, but well.. it's like I thought I had, but couldn't remember anything about the dream. Not sure it matters, Jill is one of those people I'm pretty sure I won't be seeing again in this life. Though, I don't know if I care to ever find someone anywho. Why? Well, besides losing my will.. kinda lost hope. Hope of getting healthy. The medical system was a failure. The eastern forms of medicine I've tried have failed. A doctor who mixed the best of both worlds failed too. Right now my only chance is me. Gotta have faith in meditiation, and energy work.. cuz if that doesn't work, I won't be having a life, just an existance. So, seeing no light at the end of the tunnel, it's just like.. blah.. can't even imagine being in a relaltionship. Not possible. Just don't see any improvement, and here I am 26.. no, 25. I refuse to call myself 26. Gawd. I'm supposed to be going somewhere in my life. Turning 25 with nothing, was bad.. 26? Absolutely nothing has improved. Yes, I got through college barely.. pushing this body as much as I could, still missed out on a lot in college, and now there's pressure to get a job, a career, to move forward. But how? Someone stole my wheels, and pushing down on the gas doesn't do anything.. I'm stuck. And it's not like I could just decide, okay, I'm going out and having a life. It isn't that simple.. when it's your body.. not your mind that needs mixing. Though, I will admit my mind is getting pulled down..

Well.. enough of my rambling and complainning, anyone miss it?

Oh! Last week someone messaged me, said this journal was interesting.. umm.. okay? I did upload some pics too, in the about me section on my main site. She sent me a pic page, so only fair I send her some too, though my yahoo messages haven't been returned since we first talked.. hope it wasn't something I said.

A few days after her, someone else messaged me.. and interesting enough, was from the same area of NY (well was away at college though). They didn't know each other.. I think, and it was just, interesting.

Speaking of yahoo, haven't talked to Mem in what, 4-5 days? Wow! Been in the habbit of talking to her everyday, it's odd when 1 or 2 days go by, and it felt odd at first too. Was thinking maybe I did something wrong, so she wasn't coming on, or was invis. But, that's silly.. just stupid insecure me, and actually not feeling that way anymore (maybe just repressing, lol). I do know she has a life of her own, and doesn't have to talk to me even. It's just a perk, I get sometimes.. err.. man, does that sound as bad as I think it does? Ugh.

Well.. okay, long post.. but, been needing to talk, and haven't in awhile.. so well, sorry for length. Till later.

Posted by Me on 10/18/2002 04:56:25 AM | Comments?