Announcement: Everthing posted on this website is mine (unless other wise mentioned), and thus copy righted to me! If you find something you must have, just ask before stealing. It's rude to steal without premission, and my poorly paid team of laywers are just itching for a fight!

Journal

Those new gap jean ads on TV, geez'em. They're like soft porn almost. Having these rail thin girls dancing around, and in one ad they do a close up of the model's ass! First like, do you really need to do that? Second, why aren't they any average sized girls, and over weight ones? They wear pants too, don't they? Gawd. Welcome to America, where stupid advertisers want girls to have eating disorders and feel bad about their bodies.

Last night I was talking to someone, and I will keep her name private.. since she was ranting about stuff. So, keeping her privacy. :) Anyway, her boyfriend seemingly wants to be with her almost all the time. She needs and wants alone time, but he thinks having a relationship means sharing time together? Or at least, that's what he told her.

Now true, a part of being in a relationship is sharing time with each other, but another big part is understanding the other person's needs. And one of her needs is to have alone time. I think most people need that. I don't think a relationship is a very healthy one, if one or both members feel they need to spend all of their time together. Shows insecruity, and an inability to handle being away from someone. Shows the relationship isn't built on the right things, but the wrong things like needing someone to feel a void. It's sort of what I call half people. My thoughts on that can be found on my main website.

Hmm.. anyway, if yer reading this, no offense hun.. you just sorta brought out a semi-rant of me own. :)

Posted by Me on 9/27/2002 02:30:36 AM | Comments?

Hmm.. felt like posting one last time, before jumping in bed. Not sure if my last entry made sense. I was talking to Mem at the time on yahoo. Subject was that she thinks I obess about my weight too much, and it's not good for my body. And yeah, I've talked about my weight before, recently in this journal (Since my life is completely boring and uninteresting, needed something to talk about). My weight is kind of on the low side, but not in the medically dangerous area. Anyway, I'm really not obessing as a told her. It's more, when the system that gets rid of the stuff you put in your mouth is fucked up, you really don't want to put a lot in your mouth. Though, I still do.

There's also control issues. I really have no control over the current state of my health, my life sorta.. you'd think food would be something I can control. I can't always though. Well maybe I don't choose too. God, this sounded good in my head. But now it's like, idiot! You do to have control.

Hmmm.. well at times, I just get this deep burning desires that just drives me to eat, whatever. Something nice with Carbs in it (Well something bad too, anything, just have those carbs!). I should beable to control that. It's hard at times. Feels like maybe how any addict feels for their drug of choice? It's the only thing going on in my head, and sometimes I forget I do have a choice in the matter! Ugh, sounds silly I bet.

Any, so.. I don't put in as little as I'd like in my mouth, but I don't normally put a ton in either, so that's why the low weight I gather. If I was feeling all good, or at least.. healthy, think I could start a nice work out routine, to try and build up more muscle. Put on more weight, but really can't right now.. sigh.

Sucks, when I was younger, highschool.. never thought this is how life would be at near 26. Well, life, if you can call it that. When I got to my earlier 20's, didn't think I'd be alive now. Am I really? I guess. But barely. Think death would be better than this, but I can't end my life. Not possible. I can't. Tried once, but it was such a weak ass attempt, I couldn't hit any viens. I even went right over them! Oh, wondering what I'm talking about? I once slit my wrist. And not the across way, but along. The right way to do it. Even unintentionally went right along, above a vien. Never hit it though. Guess I was lucky?

Lucky maybe, but I learned the pleasures of cutting one's self. Um, well, really no pleasure. But became a cutter after that. Off and on, over a few years. I wasn't a hardcore one though, I was a wussie one. Never really cut that deep. One time, I did cause some loss of feeling, numbness, pain in my left hand, from cutting my left wrist. Think I hit some muscle/nerves by accident. They were really close to the surface. I was smart though, did stop cutting after that.. well, until I cut again, LOL. I haven't cut in a long while though. Was actually thinking about it tonight.. but then the thought was, uh, what good will it do? None, I think.

I really didn't get any great pleasure from cutting. Not sure, at all, about what I got out of it. If you asked me why I cut, couldn't give an answer. No logically reason. Though is there ever, for cutting yourself?

Umm.. dear god, I think I went way off subject? No eating disorder. Yes yes.

Okay.. now sleep time. :)

Posted by Me on 9/25/2002 04:37:10 AM | Comments?

Saw the movie Evolution tonight. Silly movie. Writers messed up in the plot too. You'd think these two scientist guys, would realize that with the little alien cells they found, evolving so fast, that they'd be big creatures within a week or two. And maybe dangerous. But they didn't, blah. Umm.. haven't seen it? Well, get HBO or something. :)

There's something I need to talk about, but I'm not sure if it'll come out right, or I can explain it well. It's kind of confusing to me, or new. Still trying to figure things out myself, I guess.

Do you believe in past lives? Or that we are stuck living more than one life here? Well I do, if you don't, well blah on you. Anyway, sometimes you can pick up emotions from a different life, that don't belong in this life. Well, maybe you need to be a bit more "open" spiritually to feel it sometimes. Or not always, blah.. getting off track.

Awhile back, I just got struck with feelings from someone, that were from a different life. Not this one. They were really strong. What I think a child would feel for a very caring and comforting parent? I dunno. Haven't felt it before. But that's what it felt like, in a way. Really touched parts of me, that need that kind of comfort and caring. Though, I'm sure it would totally weird out this other person. And these feelings, really aren't supposed to be a part of this life. Well, as in being shared? Hard to explain, but they are stirring up things inside me. Things that maybe I need to deal with and work on. So in that regard, I think I'm supposed to be feeling them.

The trouble is, they can be so strong. And my poor "human mind" was confusing these feelings as romantic love. Now, I know it isn't that kind of love. It feels much different. But the "human mind" doesn't always understand these things. Got that fairly under control now, still - when I'm feeling these feelings - it's like part of me just wants to dive in and soak them up. Just soak up the comfortingness. And be hugged. That's not possible, and shouldn't happen to begin with. So, I just need to work with things, and try and heal what's wrong with myself. On my own. No indulging these feelings.

Hmm.. maybe that was vague? Sorry if it was. Best I can explain right now I guess. And maybe you think I'm some crazy nut, whose just all messed up and fighting off feelings of love. Well, I'm not. I'm no child. Though parts of me do feel like a child, lol.. sigh.

This is good though. It should help me. If I can get through it and figure it all out.

Well.. that's it for now.

Posted by Me on 9/25/2002 03:32:45 AM | Comments?

Yay, thanks to the great and amazing Mem, I now have a section for comments. It's like a guestbook, but I like it. Keeps all the comments nice and neat, in the same place. So I don't need to go searching to see if someone commented somewhere. :)

Hmm.. did some laundry today. Real exciting day!

Posted by Me on 9/23/2002 11:32:09 PM | Comments?

I'm still alive, haven't had a whole lot to talk about. Really haven't been in a talkative mood. But anyway, did make myself pancakes Saturday, like I was obsessiving over. Didn't kill me. Weren't the best in the world either. Think I hyped them up too much in my mind, but I still thought they were okay. Not like how they were when I was a kid, but I made them thicker. Didn't add enough milk. Well added the amount that the box said too. Still, it was nice.. but something I won't obsess over. At least until I start craving them again. :)

Today was good, Footbal wise. Eagles started out bad, but then went out to crush Dallas. Always something I enjoy to see. The Bills though, lost. But the loss was to a better team, and they didn't give up, so I wouldn't say the loss was a bad thing. Can't knock it, when they try, right?

Today, just to the point where I'm sick of being in pain and discomfort. I'd say, since 1994.. 90% of the days have involved some sort of pain and/or discomfort, while 10% hasn't. And I don't mean minor little, ow, I pumped my toe.. things. Chronic health problem related pains and discomforts I mean. I don't go into full details, and I don't mention everything in here, because I just don't want too. And I'd say, maybe this entire year I've been in pain or discomfort. Discomfort normally of the intestinal kind. Yuck.

It just wears on ya. Being unhealthy all the kind. I'm so sick of it. I just want to be healthy! Have the chance to get out there, fail.. or accomplish things.

My Birthday is coming up. Oct. 4th. And, so.. thinking, what should I ask for? There's nothing I really want. Maybe a webcam. But besides that, everything seems superfical. All I really want is good health, and that really isn't something you can ask for. So it's just like.. sigh. I won't even get into feeling old, trying to block that out.

I'm amazed my elbow isn't bothering my too much right now. Right elbow. Ulnar nerve is lose. Think funny bone. I had surgery on my other elbow for the same problem a few years ago. I think I could use it now, on my right one. Though, I won't beable to survive without right arm.. and no health insurance. So just gonna try my best to keep the nerve was getting damaged, and not use my arm when it starts hurting. The damage, isn't from hitting something, but from rubbing against the bone. Overtime, you can lose feeling in parts of your hand. Same area you feel when you hit your funny bone. It's not a good thing, and doesn't heal.

Anyway.. enough ranting and it's starting to say ow.. so will stop now.

Posted by Me on 9/23/2002 03:15:06 AM | Comments?