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Journal

Hmm.. kinda wondering if I gave too much info in my last post? Think I did, but this is supposed to be a journal. Online or not, I write what comes out at the moment, no editting allowed (only for typo's). So, it'll stay.. untouched. I'll just try not to post anymore at 4:00 am, when I'm not thinking. :)

Anyway, today Home Alone 2 was on. I watched some parts of it, off and on. At the end of the movie, the family finds a ton of presents under and around their tree, and everyone is all like, yay, woohoo! Look at all the presents, and.. just reminded me how sickening I find that.

Growing up, I was the same way. It was like, I want this, I want this, and this, and this, etc. A long list. Would end up recieving a lot too. Then one Christmas, maybe when I was 12? I remember after opening presents, just this sense of emptiness. Didn't feel any joy at all. It was odd, don't know why, just everything changed for me. It was like, woohoo? Big deal (well little deal). It just felt wrong, I felt empty, unhappy. Can't think of anything that caused that, but lost my Christmas spirit (greed) that year. Ever since, when I'm asked what I want for Christmas, or birthday, it's like.. nothing? Unless there is something I need. Or I'll request maybe one or two fun things, since people seem to not like it when you don't want anything.

And ever since, just get sickened by scene's like that, that I saw in home alone. Or when I see kids going on with their long lists. Maybe I'm just a downer? Or maybe realized that's not what Christmas is really supposed to be about? Or maybe I just have a thing against greed. Eh, who knows.

Posted by Me on 9/14/2002 10:25:00 PM | Comments?

Here's a situation that you would find on some TV sitcom. You are just minding your own buisness surfing the web, and accidently come across some pictures of a female friend of yours. Well, they aren't pictures of her, but look darned close to her. And they aren't very wholesome, well, not wholesome at all. They're naughty in nature. To add spice, lets say you use to have a crush on her as well. What would you do? Would you tell her, say hey, look this girl looks like you! Or, keep it to yourself? Or do naughty things? Err.. kidding of course!

Ummm.. well, lets just say I've been wondering what to do, since I'm in the above situation. Thinking just nothing, and not mentioning it to her.

Anywho, today I've finally gotten started cleaning my room. Ugh, I have too much clothes! I don't normally put them away, I just leave it out, on things.. because it's easy to get to, then at the bottom of a drawer, and well.. didn't feel like hanging things up? LOL

So, trying to put it all away, doesn't seem like I'm gonna have room. My closest is already full, and I guess since I stopped growing, hmm.. maybe 7 years ago, I haven't had a need to throw clothes away. I'm so bad at throwing things away. Gonna get rid of some stuff, but still just hard. I'm too sentimental!

This one shirt I came across, I've wore a lot, but just reminded me of one moment, little over a year ago, when I was visiting some people I know. It was a great time, cuz one girl there, call her a friend, didn't mind me leaning on her and using her as a source of comfort. Not girlfriend, nothing would happen with her. I was the wrong gender, lol.. but still.. it was nice being around someone who cared for me like that, and I was comfortable enough to do that with. But anyway, I was wearing it on of the days, well more like night. It was sorta chilly outside, and it was long sleeved, so was nice. Ohh.. I remember sitting next to a camp fire on the ground, I had an arm around her shoulders, and I was just leaning on her, nice memory. Inner child digs it!

I also found an old letter from when I was away at boy scout camp (13 years ago I think?).. ewww.. well, wasn't too bad, didn't like getting umm.. have never said that out loud before, guess it's true actually. Wasn't major, but could be called that. Oops, too vague? Lets just call it bad touch and move on. :) Anyway, was a letter, from my family. Everyone wrote something. My sister said they went to the beach, and it didn't seem right without me there. That was like, kinda cool. Didn't remember that. My little brother wrote something too, but just like miss you, see you soon. One line, but he was.. hmm.. maybe 6 or 7 then.

Wondeful! Getting more not so nice memories from there.. bah, problem with going down memory lane, sometimes you run into things you don't want to remember. It's kewl though, I'm fine. No worries. :)

Also, was thinking.. or whatever. I like making up little fantasy worlds to live in my head. Doesn't everyone? But part of me, feels like someday I might start talking to someone, like one of the fantasies was real. For example, my parents were told when I was little and taking swim classes, that I had some natural talent, and they could put me in a program, so I could try to go on into swimming competively. It would take a lot of hours though, so they decided not to put me through that. Anyway, so I think what it might have been, like if I became world class, and went ont to win a bunch of medals in the '92 and '96 Olympics, then ya know, burned out cuz I was being pushed too hard. But so, I'd have these great accomplishments, but no one would really remember. And in my mind, I go over old situations where this very topic would have been brought up, and mention it. Then people react.. just sometimes, I get this fear I may start telling someone about something I made up, for real.

Sounds silly, yes. But.. I'm talkative right now. :)

Posted by Me on 9/14/2002 04:24:51 AM | Comments?

I am so annoyed right now, I just tried playing another game of internet Reversi, and the asshole left! He was freaking kicking my ass too, and I really wanted to just leave, but I stuck it out, and was making a come back. Maybe even win, and what's the my-dick-is-too-small-so-I-can't-take-losing-at-a-silly-internet-game-person do? He left!

Shouldn't bother me so much, but it's a fun game, and I like playing to relax.. but these mental patients just keep leaving on me! It's like, big freaking deal, it's just a game. If you can't handle losing, then don't play! Damn. I mean even when my ass is being handed to me, I finish, because that's what yer supposed to do, when playing a game. God. My ego doesn't buise that easily.

Anywho, yesterday, well it's yesterday to me, since I haven't been to bed, but.. yesterday, 9/11. It's odd, some people were bitching about how there were things about it on all day. They complained because their TV shows weren't on. How freaking selfish can people be? And stupid too. Saw some people who couldn't figure out what was so big about it, because there have been other events that have killed more. Do I need to spell it out to you, person reading this? I hope not.

Just thought it was pathetic, how these people couldn't handle a day of there lives altered. Like, they could get out side, and enjoy the fresh air.. though, guess maybe that thing called sunlight would scare them.

The writing class I wanted to take, err.. not taking it. Blah, stupid me really should have made more of an effort to see the teacher before class started, then after it met. It's just damn odd, over the weekend, just really didn't want to take it. So gave up trying, and now.. I kinda wish I was taking it. It's just, could be called depressing. I guess.

Well.. hmm.. guess I'll stop, haven't really felt like talking. Just want to crawl into someone's lap, and curl up.. sounds silly I know, but think it'd be comforting. Well, need to know this person well.. too.. lol. Anyway, just going through a sick of wearing the happy mask phase. I'll get over it, and live, I'm sure. Though, having a lap to curl up in would be nice, LOL.

Yeah.. not fullily going into every here either. I'm happy, no reason too. :)

Posted by Me on 9/13/2002 03:00:07 AM | Comments?

I was reading Time magazine, talking about Bush's desire to war Iraq, and can't help think that this guy doesn't know what he is doing. I mean really, what good will it do? The Israel/Pal conflict is far from resolved, and things aren't stabilized in Afghanstan. Those things need to be resolved before further dis-stabilizing the region. But, ya know.. needing to think, I guess isn't his strong suit?

Just seems stupid to me. And why not start a war? The economy isn't great, and it's been a year since 9/11, so not everyone is blindly following him. So, war to get people to forgot about how bad he is doing. Hmm.. maybe smart then?

Blah.. Bush will be the downfall of this country, well.. maybe not completely, but if there's a WW3, he will be it's cause. Too bad some of the voters in FL, couldn't understand their ballots.

But who am I to judge? I'm just simply old me. :)

Posted by Me on 9/10/2002 09:46:39 PM | Comments?

Got my archive working, well Mem got it working, have I mentioned how much she rocks? And no, I don't like like her damnit!! Don't think that Denna. =P

Hmm.. nice people are fun to know, cuz they are all nice and stuff. Stomach isn't feeling too good right now though, and blah.. so won't type anything else.

God! Call this the world's most boring blog!!

Posted by Me on 9/09/2002 11:48:30 PM | Comments?

Comments back up, lol.. and I didn't mean to hate on haloscan at all, the dude in charge doesn't have to do the site, and is trying his best. So shouldn't talk badly of him.

Nice bonus comments are up, but might switch to something to get the comments on DDD's server.. just will be different. Hmm.. but the great and lovely Mem said she'd be willing too. :)

Posted by Me on 9/09/2002 07:22:15 PM | Comments?

Well my comments stopped working again, damn you haloscan! I heard DoS attacks were simply things to stop.. blah.

Anyway, hopefully gonna do some cleaning of my room.. and Cowboys lost yesterday, to an expansion team! HAHA

Err.. I'm a Bills fan, not liking the Cowboys is a rule. :)

Posted by Me on 9/09/2002 04:07:39 PM | Comments?

Well.. things are starting to spiral down, health wise.. like I thought would happen today. Just gotta ride it out, and hope it isn't too bad.

Blah.

Posted by Me on 9/08/2002 07:26:17 PM | Comments?

First footbal sunday today, and of course.. my favorite thing is already happening!!

I woke up a bit too late, but caught most of the 2nd halves of the 2 games I cared the most about to watch. The Eagles vs Titans, and the Bills vs the Jets. Nicely, both of the teams I want to win, are winning. The Bills and the Eagles, though when I switch on the Eagles game, I see McNabb just threw an interception. Blah!

The Eagles, sounded like McNabb did really well, in the parts of the game I didn't watch. Part I watched, they pretty much sucked out. They lost their lead, and on their last chance to get into field goal range, his stupid reciever dropped the ball. Idiots, they couldn't catch last year, and still can't. Next play, someone got it and knocked the ball out of McNabb's hands.

So they lost.

Bills, they fell behind too, but came back to tie it, and went into overtime. On the kick off to the Jets, they return it for a touchdown, game over. Blah!

Just like last year, I miss the good parts, and get to watch the bad. And the teams I am cheering for, make it seem like they can win.. but they just royally screw up.

At least health wise, I'm so far feeling better than I thought I'd be. Hopefully that continues.

Posted by Me on 9/08/2002 05:47:09 PM | Comments?

I'm so cool, added 2 web rings. Also added a games drop down menu. Not many, but they are fun for awhile. :)

Oh, and darn.. weight is up to 152, was 151 two days ago.. and a week ago, closer to 156. Shooting for under 150! Err.. I am eating, and stuff.. just when I eat less junk, it drops.

How many people can say they weigh the same as in middle school? I do right now (only grown an inch or two since then).. err.. sad, yes.

Posted by Me on 9/08/2002 02:06:39 AM | Comments?

Yay! Comments are now working, fingers crossed the main site doesn't crash again.. and cause comments to stop working. Grrr! That'd suck major chicken butt. :)

Created a new account with them, typed in everything the same again(with new user name).. and it worked. Makes no sense, lol.

Posted by Me on 9/08/2002 12:30:22 AM | Comments?