My Place (v4)

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

It reached 101 today!

That's too damn hot. Plain and simply.

All time record for this area is 102 too, so we ain't use to that kind of weather here!

Bah, damn heat.. well also since I slept in to 3 pm, I got a yucky heachache.

Anyway.. so, after realizing while I made my last entry that I hate my life. Maybe even myself a little, what is there to do now? I don't know.

Today, when I went to dinner, yes.. the people still living here eat dinner together. Well, when there isn't a reason I can get out of it. Anyway, I just so didn't want to be there. I wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to be asked any questions, and at least I wasn't. Though, I did ask some myself. It just felt so ick. Like I just wanted to turn around, and run away. But, not that badly. It doesn't make sense, since family wise, there was never any abuse or real problems.

I don't know, think I'm being all depressed too. Was thinking, like who really cares to read this thing, who cares about me? But I know that's untrue. There may not be many who care, but I know there are some. It's just the tinted glasses of depression shading my view. It is so much easier to think no cares, then to give in, and believe people do. I don't know why that is, it's just the way things feel.

So like, maybe I'm making some progress? Gotta figure out what's wrong before healing, right? But I'm not entirely sure what is wrong. I think most everything can be blamed on my health. When you have no life, are a prision of your body, what's there to be happy about? Nothing.

Gawd.. but what the hell am I supposed to tell people when they ask how I am doing? Why bother going into details. Saying okay, or fine, blah.. is easier. I dun know, I'm so rambling here.

I just know, I so hate this situation. I hate having my life restricted. I hate being in intestinal discomfort or pain, most all the time. I hate having those problems seemingly rule me. I just want to live!

Yes, live. I want to live, get out and experience. I don't want to die. But if I did, well no biggie. I don't entirely care, but I would rather get some more life experiences out of this life, before it ends.

Blah.. lately I feel like I'm not even part of reality, time seems to be moving so fast. I seem to be forgotful about things. Don't even feel like I belong here, perhaps the reaons I just didn't want to be around family. Bleck.. well.. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about now, so I'll just end here.

Posted by Me on 8/14/2002 08:06:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

The Subject is a Subject.

Bah.. 5:41 am, and I'm still up. Why do I do that, when I know I should get to bed sooner? Argh!

Been feeling weird tonight, for the past 6 hours or so. I'm not sure how to explain the feelings, but I'll try. I feel so out of place, like I don't belong here perhaps. Just so vunlerable maybe. It's mixed together feeling, that makes me feel like I could just freak out. But I'm not. But.. rocking back and forth is kinda fun. Argh! I know, it sounds like I might have explained it well.. but I know I didn't. I know what I'm feeling, and I didn't do a good job. This feeling is just soo.. ugh.. can't think of the right words. But it sucks so very much.

I don't think I'll bitch about DJ anymore, I actually read some of the stuff the guy who runs this site says about how things are, and he is trying his best. He just has too many people wanting to use this site, and he doesn't have the money to buy better, and better servers. Still want to make a blog though.

Anyway, got a fair start on my new website design, got some nice colors all set up. Mem says she likes them, so they have to be good, hehe. But website is completely and totally no where near even being anywhere near done. It's barely started! Oy.. lots of work. It'd help if I had a host, well the new host I want, but haven't heard back yet.

Argh, why do I keep thinking about Jill?? LOL, I don't have the hots for her, I know that. But I guess she was just one of those people, that you can't forget? I don't know. I know I always seem to have to be thinking about someone, female.. like the thing that is broken inside me, needs to have the idea of someone. But geez.. nothing will happen with Jill, cuz I'll never be seeing her again, I think.

Stupid screwed up self. I am so screwed up. I continue to do things that won't help me get this body healthy. Why? I dunno. Maybe I'm just so without hope right now, I can't motivate myself to try. I hate this. I've been dealing with this body for so long, I just want to tear it up. God. This weekend, most of my family will be going to go visit my sister for the weekend, who lives in N.Y. City. Could be a fun trip, I think it would be. But, this body has not been doing good lately, and I don't want to go through the hell it could put me through. A possible fun trip, could turn into a hellish trip. I'll pass.. unfortunately.

I'm too fucking lazy too. Perhaps it's because every single day is a freaking struggle? I dunno, it sucks though. I should be more motivated, but I'm not. I'm just an animal. That's all. I eat, sleep, and poop. That's my life, basically. Only differance between me and an animal, is my parents are starting to really stress me about doing more. Shit, I want to do more.. but I just can't.. right now. I really wish I could, god.

Oh, if you read the wedding trip, that was a very rare thing. I won't explain how my body got through that, but I wouldn't live if I had to do that on a regular basis.

Anyway.. damn, I'm ranting longer than I planned, and don't see the point to this. Don't know what I'm getting out of typing here, but.. just feeling worse. Feeling hate. I am, pure hate. Hate for my life. God, I hate my life. This sucks. Nice realize to come to, huh?

No, not even close to suicidal. I'm an animal remember, and animals are too stupid to kill themselves (not including the ones that jump off cliffs). Blah.. where to go from here? I can keep going down. It's so easy. Or up, but I can't even see where up ends. Why bother? Why bother with anything? Why bother with living? err.. I don't live though. I only exist.

What a life, to exist.. and this existance, I hate.

Posted by Me on 8/14/2002 06:04:00 AM | Comments?

Sunday, August 11, 2002

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Whheee... list!!

Since I haven't updated in awhile, think I'll just do a list format entry to cover some missed things.

1) The Sims, is an evil game. Last night I was bored (extremely bored), so after a few hours of not getting much down, I re-installed it on my comp. Searched the web for some cheats (found some real good ones), and DL'ed a ton of extra skins. I built my two women (lovers, hehe), a nice big house. Only 5 rooms though. A huge living room. Two fairly large bathrooms, one large bedroom, and a large kitchen. They have odd taste too, besides the way they dress. (One wears like.. a bikini, but with a little skirt thing, and the other kind of like Xena). Both bathrooms have 2 toilets and two hot tubs, while one has a Statue in the middle of it, the other has some arty type stuff. The living room has two statues, some slot machines, and a fountain. Their bedroom has a pepsi machine, lol. (That isn't everything) Anyway.. I finally stopped playing it at 6 am.. grrr.. it was evil, took up way too much time!

2) Stupid me didn't get to bed till 8 am, lol.. been doing that lately. Been saying, oh.. I'll just not sleep, then getting a few hours.

3) Last weekend, I had a dream in which Jill made an apperance. Was odd maybe? Because I hadn't seen her since May. She was here infront of the computer with me. But, later in the week I did have someone appear in a dream who I hadn't seen in maybe 5 years, lol. I say appear in, because I don't usually dream about people. They just are part of the dream, if that makes sense.

4) Back to Jill. Now, some reading this (if anyone does), may think I must have the hots for her since she appeared in a dream, right? But I don't. She was extremely good looking and extremely nice, so she would be out of my league (meaning way up there), anywho. Yeah, high self-value. She I think would disagree with that statement, cuz she's nice, lol.. but anyway, no point to this number.

5) Two weeks ago, and for awhile before it, I had been feeling in worse emotionally. Wasn't sure why. Then last Saturday things just flipped, so I am feeling more charged and better emotionally. Doesn't mean anything got better, physically I am still a wreck. Don't think I'm Bi-Polar either, since it isn't extreme swings. But there is a kind with lessor swings..

6) I believe it was last week, I was reading this girl called Mem's journal, mentioned before in this journal, about how awful her new job was, (Former job now) and it really had me feeling for her. The way I feel about Sam when she is feeling down. She too had been feeling bad, about mid week when I talked too her, so felt those caring feelings too. It was kind of good in both cases, because I hadn't felt that way in awhile, so it's a good thing.

7) Sam if you remember, or hadn't read it before, I call a younger sis, when she really isn't. Now why would Mem bring up feelings that felt kind of the same as the ones I feel for Sam? Not sure. It's not because I like like her (Got it Denna? =P), but just seems like I can really care for some people. Other people I can care about, like try to help, but for some I really feel it hard on (No pun!!). Not sure why.

8) If I can care so much about some people, why can't I for others? On 9/11, I didn't feel a thing for the people who died. It wasn't a big deal. Perhaps that is because I know life isn't an end, and the things that happen in this life, are meant to be? (even if I don't like them, and complain about them in my journal) And my only thoughts were too bad, for the people who didn't understand that, who lost loved ones. Or perhaps there is another reason? I know I can care for people I haven't met before. Like watching the real world, sometimes I can just feel for one of the people on it (Amya, Julie the Mormon, lol.. can't think of any others at the moment). Though not as intensely as people mentioned above.

9) Speaking of death, I don't think I really care about dying. There are things I might beable to still do in this life, and some people who would miss me, but I feel ready for it. I'm not suicidal, just.. it doesn't bother me. Been thinking, what would I do if I were to die at 30? I wouldn't do anything different. I would even accept dying at 30, if I could have perfect health to then. In that situation, I would still go to grad school for the experience, since I wouldn't finish it.

10) What about dying a virgin? I don't care either. Sex is nothing. It's no big deal. Well it can be a big deal, but I don't really care about having it. I could live till 30, die, without having sex, and I wouldn't care.

11) Part of me feels this innocence. Childlike kind of. Like if I tapped into it, I could view the world as a child. I think I do sort of, when I don't let all the adult crap get in the way (might be why I can be naive and too trusting at times). Would having sex kill this part of me? I've been wondering. They say, when a girl has sex, she has lost her innocence. Does that mean the part of you that is childlike, the innocent view of the world, is killed?

12) Having this child, innocent like part of me, I think helps play into my feelings of being really old. Though, looking at where I am in life, and how behind I am, that plays into it too.

14) 13 is unlucky, so wanted to stop on a not unlucky number. ;)

Posted by Me on 8/11/2002 04:21:00 PM | Comments?

Saturday, August 17, 2002

Friday, August 16, 2002

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

Sunday, August 11, 2002