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Journal

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Much better mood than last night, LOL.

Geez.. I was going crazy last night. Night time seems to do that, just makes everything that much more. If that made sense. I'm in a fairly good feeling mood now, so that's just made worse in a good way. Though, always.. good mood or bad, I feel like I'm a lot more alive, maybe.. or have a lot of energy, which just feeds into whichever mood I am in.. making it worse, lol.

Anywho, lets call her Denna, not sure if I've used her name before, but in the last entry I wasn't sure how she felt about me, lol. Believe she has a good opinion of me, never should have doubted. But, I was wacky last night. Got a new title too, says I'm her super sidekick now.. hehe.

I found something really fun to do. It's old, but new, since it's been a long time. I came across this website, which has chat logs posted. The logs are of this girl (acutally a guy), who completely screws with the heads of older guys who want to cyber her. It's funny. That's something I use to do, too. So I made a yahoo name, and geez'em.. you can get tons of IM's if you do in the right rooms.

I don't believe I've got any chatlogs funny enough to actually post.. but I'll work on it. And no, it's not sick! It's good to mess with some older guy who likes to talk dirty or/and get little girls to come visit. I figure I'm doing a public service, while having a lot of fun too.

I'll post the link for the website in my next entry.

Later.

Posted by Me on 6/20/2002 04:30:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Sigh.. another long rant. I am chopped liver!

I really hate feeling this way. I really don't want to go on living. I could always kill myself, but that would be messy, and other people would have to kill up.

Sure there would be people who would miss me too, damn them.

Argh.. I just want things to change. I just want the chance to live life, not just exist. I want to beable to go out into the world, and fail. Try again, maybe fail more. Is that so much to ask for? The chance to fail?

Blah.. some people will be like, ohhh.. I want it all! Right now I'd just settle for my health, so I can go out and try to make something of myself.

Ya know, the only friends I have.. are online, and there aren't that many of them. Oh, I knew people offline, at school.. but I ain't there anymore.

I've tried to build support networks, ya know.. people who I try to be all open with, and lean on. But.. that always falls apart. Never works out, so why try? I know my place, it's to be the shoulder to lean on. I'm not the one who gets a shoulder. So I should just stop bitching about it.

Anyway, don't really feel comfortable, leaning on people. I feel like a big waste of time. A bother. LOL.. I use to have the title, "special friend" of someone on an ezboard. She took it off, to find one more fitting. Guess I would agree, I'm nothing special. Blah blah, there's something to me.. I've been told. I'm nice. Well hell, that nice hasn't done crap for me.

Hmmm.. what would be a good title?
"Oh, ignore me, I'm happy here crying in the corner"

"Need something, I'm here? Not like anyone else is for me though"

"Oh look it's him"

"Chopped liver!"

"Like he could ever pass as special"

"It's shit! LOL"

Argh.. well, guess maybe I'm going overboard. But hell, feel like she doesn't have that high of an opinion of me anymore. I'm not saying she thinks of me in the ways above, but.. guess I just don't feel too loved. Perhaps I am, but I can't feel it. Just feel like people can see me as this big joke, and maybe I act like one sometimes.. but it freaking hurts.. I'm too fucking sensitive.

Oh god, I'm a big baby.. supposed to be a man, right?

Shit.. this was supposed to be a short entry, LOL.. oh well.. fuck the loser in the corner bitching and crying, right?

Posted by Me on 6/19/2002 12:31:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Nice long rant, or something on health.. damn life.

Not sure my thoughts will be as organized as they were earlier, but deadjournal wouldn't load then. Blah! Of course, I'm too stupid to actually just type it up in a word file instead, so doing it now.

Was thinking about how stuck I feel, I guess. Health problems are the main reason for this. I have something called Fibromyalgia, but that I don't really care about. It can cause a lot of pain, but I was able to fight it off. Back in 1995 when a doctor told me I had it, he said I shouldn't run or do anything that's hard impact again in my life. But, screw that, I was involed in Karate, actually got my Black Belt the year before, and was into running.

I went on to do some awfully intense trainning, with the Karate, and I was running like everyday. I was a run coach for the ones trainning for their black belts. There really wasn't much pain either, I was managing things pretty well, and it was going fairly smoothly.

Unfortunately, I had other health problems creeping up on me. They were slow, and I actually took a year off a school so I could get healthy, bleck.. didn't work. It sucks when things slowly fall apart, until you finally get to the stage where what you called your life, becomes something you can't do. I did leave karate for about a year too.. but my memory is kinda fuzzy on the time table.

Anywho, well.. I was having I guess intenstinal problems lets say. So my so called doctor sent me to a surgeon when he wasn't able to help me, and that guy decided I needed surgery to fix me up. I'll just say, it's a bit embarrassing to say where he operated on, but I was all happy thinking the problems there would be fixed. Guess what, I wasn't, and the damn surgeon guy was wrong. So I was sent on to a specialist. He looked around inside me, couldn't find anything wrong.. told me while I was dopped up after some testing that he couldn't find anything wrong, and it was all in my head.. yeah fucking right, idiot.

Got put in counselling.. hmm.. didn't help!

I was sent on to a gastro-intestinalogist, or however it is spelled. He decided I had IBS. Joy! The medications he was trying me on didn't help. Nothing he tried did. He basically said I'll just have to live with it. Live with it? Fuck him! This isn't living, it's only existing. That's such crap, I could kill myself.. or someone else, lol.

Another doctor we went to, decided I had Candadiasis. Fun little disease. The internal system in my intestines was pretty much out of wack, and something called Candida, had grow out of control. That's not good, and my immune system was trying to kill it off, with the walls of my intestine as the battlefield. That's fun, causing little holes in it, bleeding.. ect.

Anywho, the blood tests showed my immune system had made tons of anti-bodies for the Candida. My doctor said it was more than he has ever seen in a patient. Guess I'm lucky? Like woohoo. He said if I had a weaker immune system, I could had already developed an auto-immune disorder, or had my immune system just shut down. Hmmm.. lovely death. Damn strong immune system! lol

Anyway, went through treatment with him. Blood tests showed most all the Candida was killed off, which was good. Still didn't see any improvement though. With further testing, found this bateria that produces a very strong neuro-toxin. It can cause autism in infants. But it was all in my intestinal area, and renial tract? If I spelled and named that right. The system that is for peeing, LOL. God, I gotta be too much, I know that for one thing.

Got put on something to kill that off, so hopefull that was killed off. Though, still today, I see no improve. Maybe some of the nastiness were killed off, but all the damage they didn't hasn't been repaired?

My health issurance ran out last Oct too, so I haven't seen a doctor in awhile. Though, doctors have done me no good. I have been trying Eastern medicine too, and that really hasn't helped. It sucks! So I'm suck with this severe form of IBS. And what seems like a not so happy bladder.. blah, at times at night I need to pee all the freaky time!!

My parents are like, we want you to get out and get a job. Well, hell, I want to too damnit! But, ya know.. I fucking can't. Going to school last semester, for like a few hours a day, was pushing me beyond my limits. Fuck.

At times, I think it would be nice if I could just call forth some entity, to grant me health. Like big deal if I owned it some favor. It's better than this existance. I've been told, wanting things right away, is the path of "evil" or "Darkness," and the path of "good" or "light" is waiting for things to happen. Well, fuck that! I've been waiting, meditating, working on trying to heal myself. Even worked out some things with my guides, which were supposed to help heal me.. they haven't. So, like.. I'm thinking, if someone or something could come along, and grant me this.. then I wouldn't mind owing a favor. Big deal. Well, depending on the favor. I ain't selling my soul to anyone, lol.

So what, if I have to become all dark and stuff. I don't see what good being "good" has done me. What do I have to show for it? Not much. And I got all this needness to help others, but I can't do that much from here, online. I do know one person who may not be alive today, if I hadn't helped her. But that's the only person who I've had a major effect on.

LOL.. maybe some "evil" lady will give me what I want, and all I need to give her is my virginity? Fair trade, rofl. Virgin sacrifice!!! I'll do it, seriously, if someone could seriously make me all healthy.. LOL. Maybe some all powerness too, though guess I'd owe more than.

Blah.. I'm 25, not able to hold a have a job! By 25 I thought I'd be married, have a career.. etc. This is not what I had planned. This existance, that is very crappy.. pun intended.

Posted by Me on 6/18/2002 11:48:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

The subject goes here, if I could think of one..

Hmm.. I am such a mess of different forces, fighting for control. The other night, well.. hmm.. lets just say there were some things my Catholic upbringing would have had issues with. It was rather naughty, but I won't say what.. the other person knows, and she reads this.. *waves* ..also need to keep her privacy.

Anywho.. part of me is going, ick.. that was wrong. Shouldn't do things like that, while another part is like blah.. want more, LOL. I think that's the animalistic side talking. Hey, it's got yearnings.

Are humans any better than animals though? We have more complex thoughts yes, but we have our own instincts. Uhh.. not sure where I am going with that. But, anywho, someone once told me humans are sexual creatures, so there is nothing wrong sex. It's natural.

But, just got part of me going.. gawd.. sex is bad, yeck.. well actually there are more parts. One is saying sex, or anything sexual is wrong.. immoral. Another is saying sex, or other sexual activities is just gross.. yucky. Another wants it! LOL, or at least some other forms of physical sexual contact. Actually, part of me at times wants it all.. bleck.

So I'm here dealing with all this crap. Though, there is no one to actually do anything physical with either, so I guess that helps keep things in check. Maybe.

Today, I watched Pay it Forward, it's a good movie I think.. though, it's also got a sad ending. Almost got the water works going. Something most sad movies do. It's not like I'm overly sensitive, well I can be, it's my empathic abilities. For some reason I can pick up emotions from movies or TV shows, fairly easy. Can be harder with real people, doesn't make much sense, huh?

It also sucks, because when a character is in an uncomfortable situation, I just feel that.. 100 times over, it seems. I have to change the channel. It sucks! Or if there are trying to decide something to do, or make the wrong choice.. doing something sneaky, not trying to get caught.. might be embarrassing or something.. Ugh.. shoot me. :)

Well.. that's it I guess, for now.

Posted by Me on 6/17/2002 03:28:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Umm.. subject.

Pains, definate pain. Yes, I'm in pain.. pain pain pain. Umm.. not really trying to sound like a crazy person, just in pain. Longing. There's a hole that needs healed. Oh, this is all emotional, not physical too.

It's not that bad.. it's just there.. shouldn't tap into it.. and feel it.. but it's there for a reason, which I need to figure out!

On another note, I believe I have way too much care than I currently need. Yep! This goes along with my last post, I can easily begin to care about some people, and feel a connection.. even if they don't know this, lol. But I can confuse that care, for liking them too. I mean, liking in the ohh.. I wanna make out with that person, lol.. err well you get the point, right?

Anyway, another part of the problem.. yeah problem.. is I can't fully release and use all this care, so I'm got too much. It can overload. Maybe that's a good thing? Being an overly caring person? Or this there a limit to when caring becomes too much. I don't know. But it really feels like I've got too much, and it has no place to go.

GOD! So the few people who I do feel care for, it is a lot.. even if I really don't know the person. So I don't know, I can get strong feelings for people.. I guess. Eventhough people can really suck, I use to think that.. blah.. people are hopeless. But, this year certainly, I've met people who ruined that. You can't go around thinking people are hopeless, when you've met some really kind ones, you know?

Sigh.. my thoughts are really organized right now, hopefully this made some sense, to someone. But damnit.. it feels like the care just wants to explode, and go over someone.. anyone, who I already have on the high care list. I like poor Mem for example, one day I read in her journal she wasn't feeling good.. I just had to said her a message, eventhough I needed to sign off. Ended up staying longer than I should of.

Care didn't explode though.. it needs/wants too.. but can't. Argh.. enough rambling now.. and I don't think I'm fully explainning this feeling well enough.. I'm just too damn caring, and that's not even half the problem.. so complex..

Posted by Me on 6/16/2002 02:28:00 AM | Comments?