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Journal

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Not ready.. can't be.

Not ready for what is the question, right? Well, I don't believe I am ready for that thing called a relationship. I can't be.

Why not? Well, I'll tell ya. I feel like there is something missing in my life. A deep, painful longing for something. Not sure if that explains it well, but something I can do, is become attracted to or like someone, fairly easily. All they need to do, is have a pretty face (in my mind) and have a good personality.

Which is wrong, because that means there is something wrong with me. If I am able to like someone, in the hey, I want to be with that person kind of way, that easily.. then it's a feeling I can not act on. Because, if I can't be happy without someone, then I am not even close to being ready to be with someone.

May sound harsh, but in my mind it's true. I need to learn to embrace loneliness, make it my friend, and not feel sad from it. After that, then I'll be more ready. But also, just need to be able to feel actually happy inside. Right now I don't, and maybe being with someone could improve that. But that doesn't improve whatever was causing me to feel that way in the first place, so the relationship won't beable to be as good as it could be, since I would still have internal things to work on.

So, until I can actually say I am happy, I can't allow those feelings to grow. I know I can do that, because I've liked girls with boyfriends before, but when I found out they had boyfriends, I crushed those liking feelings, and being friends was perfectly fine with me. So I know I can handle that.

Also.. the feeling, or need for someone.. it does feel like it's something I really want, but, since I want it that much, I can't have it.

What kind of screwed up logic is that? lol

Don't want to sound depressing.. or hurt anyone with this post.. either.

On a side note, this feeling.. is worse at night. Not sure why.

Posted by Me on 6/15/2002 04:07:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Stuff to actually talk about!

Actually had some stuff happen today, that I figure I'll put into my journal. It'll be a change from my usual complaining, lol.. though I wouldn't call my day that interesting. Just a warning.

Today I drove up to my college to work on my way long over do psychology experiment, I need to finish up. (On a side note, the program I need to use for my experiment is only on my college's computers, blah) Unforunately, as I got started trying to work on it, I realized I need to speak with the teacher who is helping me with it. I could perform close to 500 tests on the data, but ya know.. I'd rather find out a better way to do it. So, instead of working, I stayed in the computer lab for awhile, and talked with someone online. She know's who she is, so I don't need to name names, do I? I said I would be, so lets just call her Sweets. It's part of her online name. I won't mention any of the not so wholesome things we talked about though, so there! =P

Anyway, on the way home, I saw this girl who looked cute, wanted to check her out after I drove by in the side mirror, but she had turned around so I wasn't able to check her out from behind. Hmpth, rude! Not like I was going to stare or drive off the road, just I'm male.. and little jimmy sometimes wants me to do certain things, that could be considered naughty.. damn you jimmy! err..

So, as I was driving the song a thousand miles was playing by Vanissa Carlton, I think it's a good song, but that's not the point. It reminded me of the ride Jill gave me in her car, to my car. That was nice of her, like I mentioned earlier in this journal. Anyway, since I'll most likely never be seeing her again, that's something that can remind me of her. Always kewl.

Before I got home I stopped to buy my Dad a card and some candy for father's day. Because, well, that's what you're supposed to do.

For dinner, had some noodle stuff, besides other things. There were hamburges(sp?), but I stopped eating meat like 8-9 weeks ago. No real reason, lol. Anyway, there was a lot of the noodle stuff left over, so I ate it all. Mmmm.. yummy, and full of nice carbs which I am insanely addicted too. Getting my fix is fun. ;)

Umm.. guess I'll wrap up now. Like I said, it wasn't that interesting. Bye!

Posted by Me on 6/14/2002 10:22:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Sometimes I wonder about this brain..

I really do, I wonder if there is something wrong with it. Or maybe I'm just not that bright? Seems like in school, all I really did was just memorize, for tests.. I could do that, but the info doesn't stay long after the test is over. So, really don't think I learned a whole lot in college..

And when it comes to my journal.. or posts I make on a forum, or email. I normally think about what I want to say, sometimes go over it.. then after posting, later realize I forgot to say things I wanted. Why is that?

Talking with people it's worse, I always feel I should have said something, or said something different. It never fails. Even if I go over what I want to say in my head a million times, I always end up screwing it up somehow. It sucks. So I'm left with regret, and wishing I did things differently.

Oh, and when my mom asks me certain questions.. or I've got to do something that seems somewhat overwhelming, my brain hurts.. not headache, it just hurts, and it's hard to think. What's up with that? Some kind of major mental block? And I get blocked on some things that should be simply to answer.

I do sometimes look at other people's journals too, and wonder, geez.. why can't I be all that descriptive and well sounding myself? I don't know. Guess I shouldn't judge myself against others, but it just seems like I got the short end of the stick.

That leads me into something else. I always see people with natural ability at things. Certain things come real easy to them. I'm wondering, why isn't there anything that comes easy to me? Well.. things that would be seen in a positive light. Being able to put yourself down, and not feel like you are worth much, really isn't something good to have come easy.

That's how I feel at times. Like the unimportant one. My needs are meaningless, when it comes to someone else. I think I even act at times in a light that would make me seem like this not so serious person who really doesn't matter. I don't know why, it just comes naturally. But when you do that, you can get overlooked for what you really are worth. Or, at least that how I precieve it.

I don't know, maybe the name I currently use for this journal fits. Somewhat Special. Though, I really don't feel special at all. I don't know why I can't. Maybe I've never been treated as special. Or I can't remember being treated as special?

They say people can start to act, behave, and feel the way they are treated. Perhaps that's what's happened to me? But I don't remember not being treated as unspecial growing up. Though I got teased like mad growing up at school. Maybe that's why?

Maybe I'm just completely wrong, but that's just how I precieve I'm precieved. Not a fun feeling.

Blah.. this is too long to reread, and I'm getting a headache.

Posted by Me on 6/13/2002 04:05:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Nice Prank, whoever!

Well, someone was nice enough to play a little prank on me. It didn't really get me though, I just don't know who the person is.

They sent me a link to a site saying someone with my name, living in the same state as me won the lotto, but never claimed the prize. That's what I figured, it wasn't me.

The site though, was just made as a prank, from this website you can do that at. I sent a reply to the email the person sent it to me with, but the email was a fake one.

So I'm left wondering who knows my yahoo email address and full name, and would do that? I don't see why someone would randomly search for my name to do it. Not sure you could even find it, if you didn't know me.

But anyway, if you did it.. and are reading this, I wouldn't mind you telling me. I'm not mad, would just like to know who! :)

Posted by Me on 6/12/2002 11:30:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Yawn.. tired.

Been real tired today, blah.. not a whole lot of fun. Becoming more awake though as the day goes by, which is good. I didn't post last night, like I wanted to.. never got around it I guess.

Last night, while sitting at dinner.. with the family, wheeee! Got this feeling, like I didn't belong there. I was being quiet, just eating, and just allowing myself to feel.. be open.. I guess you could say. Be hard to explain if you aren't gifted or opened in a spirit type sense. Anyway, got a little light headed too when I was doing that. Not the best of feelings, because I should feel fine sitting there, but I guess knowing this planet isn't home, there you can feel that way. Call me crazy if you wish.. you can find more info about my views on my website, so I don't feel like trying to type them all out again. :)

I really don't like this body, being in pain or discomfort most of the time can really wear on a person. Though have I complained about this before? I don't know. Just right now my knee, back, toe, stomach are hurting.. and got several areas that would be called discomfort.. not pain. I love it!

Umm.. hoping I can actually get my damn self to bed for once tonight, at a reasonable time. I hope I do, feeling tired now.. of cource by tonight I'll be all wide awake and ready to umm.. sit around and do nothing, lol.. great life.

I guess that's enough rambling for now, damnit my leg is itching. So I'll stop now, so I can go itch it.. bye!

Posted by Me on 6/12/2002 03:53:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

What is wrong with me!! Arghh..

It's really starting to piss me off, or at least annoy me.. that I can't freaking get to bed earlier than 5-6 am. That's what I've been doing the past few nights.. argh!

I don't want to be nocturnal, I can't be. Life isn't able to change to fit that kind of thing. God! It was this way when I had classes too in the spring for my college, though I had to be up by 6:30 am on 3 days a week, I was staying up to 2-4 am. God!

Guess I could just blame myself for being an idiot, but damnit.. at night, it just feels like, deep down.. that I don't want to go to bed. I'm sure I could fall asleep, but I feel it in my bones, to stay up. Also feel nice and active. Grrrr!

Yeah yeah.. I should just stop complainning, and go to bed earlier. But blah.. don't feel tired either, even if I got up at 9:30 am that day! Sheesh...

Anyway, I'm okay I guess. Got a slight headache from sleeping in. Another reason staying up late is bad! Luckily not a huge headache like Saturday. Body is a little sore, and my toe is hurting a bit, but I feel alright for the time being.

I do need to do laundry, but blah.. keep putting it off. I'm the master of putting things off! And my sense of time is so fooked up, it's sad. I really can no longer tell what day it is, I need to think about it.. and weeks just seem to go by in an instand. Argh.. crazy crazy, please just lock me up!

(or push me off a high object! lol)

Posted by Me on 6/10/2002 04:52:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Can't think of a good subject.. lol.

I really don't know why I'm not in bed yet. Having a noctunal sleeping schedule will just not work right now, and blah!

Any, headache is gone.. Yay! Though it felt like someone stuck a knife in my stomach early, it was so cramped up. Luckily, that feeling is better too, though it still doesn't feel great.

I think it was on Wednesday, maybe.. this girl came to me, in spirit. Blonde, and maybe looks a little like the girl missing in UT (didn't see pictures of her until after I saw her in spirit). Though by seeing in spirit, I don't see clear picture.. yet.

I did know there would be a kidnapping in the UT, SLC area back in maybe Jan - Feb. Though, I'm not entirely sure if this girl is the one who was taken (or the one I knew was gonna happen), didn't seem like the guy's style, who I picked up on, but who knows.. it's possible in either or both cases.

That's something I need to work on, trusting my sensing, gifts.. whatever you wish to call them. In trusting them, I believe she gave me the name Russel Wilson. I've never actually recieved a name like that before, and it could be just my mind playing with me.. but I want to believe in myself, I should start doing that, you know?

The good thing though, I've been in a group since last May called childfinders. They are gifted people, who use their gifts to find missing children, and have contact with the FBI, police departments, ect. So, gonna see if I can get more info, then pass it on to the group, and the group can pass it on to the right people. There are way more experienced members too, but.. I'm being confident, right? So I don't need them to make sure I'm right! lol

Well.. damnit, I need to get to bed! Hopefully.. soon.. and I'm not tired.. grrr!

Bye.

Posted by Me on 6/09/2002 04:53:00 AM | Comments?