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Journal

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Me = Idiot

Just wanted to mention I'm an idiot, LOL.. my entry this morning at 11:00 am something, was meant for last night at 11:00 pm something.. I was still sleeping at 11:00 am, so I couldn't have put that in then..

At least I don't usually mess up my entry times.. sheesh.

Still not feeling too great either.. ugh!

Posted by Me on 6/08/2002 07:17:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Ugh.. damn head.

Maybe I'll say something a bit more constructive in here later, right now I've got a really bad headache. The kind that can make your stomach feel upset too.. ugh.

Took some medication, which I hate doing.. so maybe I'll feel better later tonight.

Hopefully!

Posted by Me on 6/08/2002 04:18:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Ready.. yet it is not time.

Saw Planet of the Apes tonight for the first time, and ehh.. it was an okay movie.

Been thinking lately, that I really don't think I'd care if I died. Personally at least. I know there are some who would, and I'm don't mean I'm planning on doing myself in. Just not scared to die, yet, somewhat wanting it too. I know, I can't kill myself though, my time on this plain will end when it's time. It's isn't my place to do it prematurely.

I think chronic illnesses are the worst, when they can have a major effect on your life, because they just stay. They don't have the kindness to kill you, but prolong your suffering. That might sound silly, but if you aren't in my position, you won't understand.

Not sure if I'm just finally fed up with being sick though, or I'm just growing, and have that feeling that death is no big deal. Well, actually it is, it means your mission on earth is complete, and you get to return home. Something, I can't say I'm not looking forward too.

I'd rather get healthy, and experience more. I guess I've had some okay times in this life though, some worthwhile memories. Haven't made anything of myself yet. I do know love.. but not in the romantic way. I'm the friend, never the lover.

Hmm.. maybe I should stop thinking of this, lol. I'm starting to like the idea of ending the physical pain, a bit more than I should, hehe. But anyway, not gonna do anything crazy. Though, I do have an infected toe.. been that way for a few months. No health insursance, so haven't seen a doctor. Been putting stuff on it, and it doesn't seem to be spreading.

If it does spread? Well, I refuse to have any body parts removed. Either the infection is fought off, or all of me goes. There's no inbetween in this matter.

Be a pity though.. already had a past life where I lived sickly, and died. Getting healthy, and living an active life, would be a nice change.

Most nice.

Posted by Me on 6/08/2002 11:22:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

La Sigh.

I don't really understand, where this pain comes from. Well guess, I do, I guess. Life pretty much sucks! I hate being ruled by illness.

Ugh.. can't I go at least a day without having to worry, or have my life controlled? Well, yeah.. if that happened, it would be a freaking major tease.

I had hopes and dreams too ya know! It's not like I wanted the world. Just a happy life. I never expected things to be easy, but geez.. I should at least have the chances to go out and fail! Ya know? How many people ask for that? Not many I know. But damnit, I'd rather deal with the everyday bullcrap of living a life, than the prision of crappy illness. God!

I'm wondering if that's the main focus of the pain I'm feeling right now. I know growing up I never felt loved, eventhough my parents never did anything wrong. Just couldn't feel it. I was teased horribly at school, never physically assualted. I did get sorta abused one time, nothing major.. but has left me scarred (hehe.. should I tell more? naw). At times I wonder what the hell is wrong, I should have had a crappy childhood, with the way I feel at times.

Part of me dearly wants to be held, and feel loved. That's all, but I know that's asking for too much. So why bother?

Ugh.. it's just great feeling such pain, coming from deep inside.. but I think I'm sorta explaining why I think it's there, maybe? Oh well..

Didn't mean to make such a long post.

Hope everyone else is well.

Posted by Me on 6/06/2002 12:07:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Wheeeee!

Tummy ain't feeling too good at the moment, like that's new, lol.. but I'm trying to be all ignoring of it.

Earlier today, maybe last night too.. was kinda thinking I'm getting sick of this life. Just wanna move on now, but I know that's not a good thing. And it wasn't any major urge, just a sick of it all feeling.. a little one. So, it's nothing to worry about..

I don't see what the big deal about sex is. It seems icky if you think about the biological functions involved. Sticking a part of yourself, into the body of another person.. gross! And those body parts are used for peeing too, icky.

Perhaps it's a bit different after you've already had sex, hmm.. I wouldn't know. From my point of view it just seems so gross. And besides, ya don't need someone to make ya all happy happy. ;)

Umm.. nothing really happened today, so far, so I just rambled.

Posted by Me on 6/05/2002 07:48:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Sigh.. poor me.

Wouldn't exactly say I'm feeling that great, right now.. or last night. Was feeling, maybe off.. wouldn't say weird, because judging is bad. And who knows, it could be a good thing? Just feels like there may be some internal matters or something that needs to be resolved, maybe.. I don't know. But I started rocking last night when I was sitting here, still am now kinda..

Last night at least, had someone to talk to. Always good right? I'll call her Mem not to give away her name. (Hopefully the HTML works, and that showed up as a link to her blogger) Anyway, hmm.. dun know. Was trying to explain how I was feeling last night, it was changing at times. She was trying to understand, and needed to restart her comp, but was staying.. which is interesting, I guess?

Can't understand that concept, when I think about it. Why would someone care that much about me? I must be screwed up not to understand that. And ouch, am I hurting now. Maybe part of what's going on right now? Still, it's odd. I will go and put myself there for someone when they need it, but can't understand it when someone does the same for me? That's not right. Do I have that low of opinion of myself I can't? I don't know if that's the case, it just doesn't make sense to me.

I kinda tried to wonder what her motivation for it was too. To just sit there and try to be understanding and stuff, and help. I'm drawing a blank.. I can't see why..

Just can't see why..

And I am use to being the strong one, the one who is there for people.. but, isn't it strong to beable to feel bad too, maybe? I think it's strong to try and talk to someone when your hurting. At least, I'm thinking that's so. Just there usually isn't someone there.. guess that's my biggest problem.

Anyway.. think I've said too much, but that's what this thing is for, right? =\

(putting depressed for mood.. but think hurting would be better.. not really depressed)

Posted by Me on 6/04/2002 11:43:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Upload complete!

Finally got some new stuff done with my website! It seems I'm rarely able to actually connect to upload, so that was nice.

I was thinking making a blogger might be fun.. but not sure how uploading works for that either, so might be a bad idea, if I can't when I want too make entries. This site may be a tad slow at times, but it works, and I don't need a program to upload with.

Feeling kinda sick today too.. but more my fault I guess, should be more careful with what I eat..

Anyway.. not much else going on, so I'm gonna go.

Till again.

Posted by Me on 6/02/2002 07:52:00 AM | Comments?