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Journal

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Feeling Good!

Not exactly sure why. But I won't complain. Someone who I've known on and off for maybe 4 years sent me an email saying she didn't want to write any long emails anymore. So I think now it'll be just like short, how ya doing, what's up kind of emails, instead of deeper issues we talked about.

The point though, is that she said it was nothing against me, and I believe her. In the past (like a few days ago) I think I would have been all blaming myself, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I'm not though, so that's good. Maybe I'm finally growing!

Someone I know told me last night, that when we do something and it goes wrong (or real bad), we shouldn't feel guilty if we had good intentions. If our intent was for something positive to happen, but something negative happens we didn't mean for, we shouldn't kick ourselves. It sounds like good advice to me, and I think some I need/want to take. I'm real good at kicking myself.

The experience yesterday that blew up in my face, well I'm feeling now it was for the better. Perhaps it helped trigger something in me to grow. I don't know, hopefully I'm not just repressing any negative feelings. I don't know how she feels about what happened though, but it is out of my control. Causing her any displeasure wasn't my intent, and I should move on.

Not trying to sound heartless, but beating myself up over something that I didn't mean to happen, won't change anything.

On another positive note, I'm down to 152! Hehe, no not dieting. I don't need to lose weight either, but it's always fun.

Posted by Me on 5/04/2002 09:46:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Didn't mean to upset her.. (fun at the poetry slam later)

Today didn't go as planned, somethings for the better I guess, though some things completely not how I wanted.

If you actually read this thing, you might remember I mentioned I asked this girl out last week, but she ended up being busy with the semester ending. I was fine with that, but it did leave me wondering if things would have been different if I hadn't waited. So I wanted to ask her that, which I did today. I figure I could learn from the experience, by talking to her about it. I didn't want to ask her out again, because I wanted to respect her decision.

Sounds good? Or maybe I'm just weird, thinking I can learn by talking to her about it. I figured if she had said yes, then I would know in the future not to wait, if she said no, then I would no there was nothing I did wrong. Unfortunately she thought I was trying to ask her out again, and told me that it makes her uncomfortable, that I keep trying to ask her out. Ummm.. that completely through me for a loop, since I have only asked her out once, and I wasn't trying to then.

So basically I instinctively tried to comfort her, because she seemed upset. I went to touch her arm, to say I was sorry. (I do this a lot! It's just a natural reaction) She pulled away though, which made me pull back too. I've never had someone react that way to me, and I didn't like it. It made me feel worse, like I was some freaky-creepy kind of guy.

I did want to explain to her that she was taking things the wrong way, but unfortunately I was too throw, I completely failed. Ended up saying I'll never mention the matter again, and that I'll leave her alone.

Now on the one hand, this was an awful experience. I never try to hurt anyone, and it seems like I did so. I'm hoping she's okay, and I didn't add to her already stressful life. On the other hand, I can take some good out of this. To deal, I ended up writing two poems, and I hadn't written any in over a year, so this was good that I finally started writing again. I also went to a poetry reading that evening, where I read some of my old poems and one of the new ones. It worked out well.

When it started I was basically sitting alone at one of the tables, some people who I knew came late, and were sitting somewhere on the other side of the room. One of the girls in the group actually came over and invited me to join them! I was amazed, that's like so nice, and actually made me feel wanted. I had been feeling unwanted for a while now, and been feeling a bit like chopped liver. So that helped show me those feelings were wrong.

My readings went well too I believe, kinda hit some old nerves with them, which I didn't expect too. So I was feeling a bit sad afterwards. But all in all, after what happened in the morning with that girl, I wouldn't have had the fun I did at the reading, or gotten back into my poetry. So I guess I owe her thanks.

I feel I owe her an apology too. But I think staying away from her would be the wisest thing to do.

That's it for now, hope you are well.

Posted by Me on 5/04/2002 01:43:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

I got to be the professor!

This week the professor of the class I TA for was out of town, so I got to be the one to do the lectures. I wouldn't say I did bad, but I'm sure it was obvious this was my first time actually lecturing. And it's near the end of the semester, so most of the students didn't want to be there too.

It's kind of unnerving when you lecture on something, then see a room full of blank faces staring back at you. Some did actually talk though, because I would ask if anyone had questions, and if everyone was understanding the material. I think most just wanted class to end though.

I think it was nice taking charge, it's a new life experience, and those are always good things. I don't feel I did as well as the professor, but then again I'm not trained or an expert in the material, so I guess I did alright.

I believe I would like doing it again, perhaps. I know I would do somethings differently, and being up front teaching, did give me a feeling of being important.

I like those. :)

Posted by Me on 5/03/2002 10:11:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

College Politics can suck too!

Today I was doing some fun campaigning for NYPIRG (New York Public Interest Research Group). They do a lot of great things for the public interest basically, lol.. I won't go into those boring details. Anyway, there are some very irrational people on our college campus who don't seem to care about the students or public, and only care about their own selfish pettiness. For some odd reason, they want NYPIRG off campus, and control of it's funding. It gets 4 dollars out of the 78 dollars each student pays to the SA (Student Association).

Today we had a vote on campus to keep NYPIRG on campus, which doesn't seem like a big deal, right? Well the problem here is, that this was the second time the vote was being done, also with misleading questions. Originally the haters wanted the ballot for the vote to have two questions. The first asked if the students wanted to keep NYPIRG on campus. The second asked if students wanted to continue to pay NYPIRG 4 dollars. See the problem? This would make students believe NYPIRG doesn't need the 4 dollars to stay on campus, which is untrue. It also doesn't say that if NYPIRG doesn't get the money, it will go to some other group. The students won't get it back.

So the Senate fought for like 8 weeks over how it was misleading, and got it changed to just once question. It asked if students wanted to keep NYPIRG on campus for 4 dollars per student. Not misleading at all, but the Student President who hates NYPIRG vetoed it right before the election, so Senate couldn't have a chance to override the veto. It was fought though, and still put on the ballot, and the veto was overturned at the next Senate meeting.

Still, the Supreme court, which is assigned by the president, was filled with NYPIRG haters (Some even campaigned against NYPIRG, so they were real unbiased!). They said that the one question ballot was invalid, and that the election needed to be redone, and the votes wouldn't be counted (Exit polling showed that over 90% of the students voted yes).

A revote was fought by the Senate, but in the trial the Supreme Court didn't call any witnesses, it lasted 20 minutes, and they said there had to be a revote, with the original questions, and froze all of the Senates funds. (Geez, that was a fair trial!). They didn't care a revote would cost students an extra 4,000 dollars.

So today I was outside helping to campaign for the revote, and it was freezing outside (low 30's)! It's the freaking end of April, and 2 weeks ago it was in the 80's! Anyway, it was fun, got to talk to people.. hang out sorta, and freeze mah ass off. The revote had 81% of students voting yes, while only 54% voted yes to keep funding at 4 dollars per student. One of the guys think there might have been some funny business, though one NYPIRG hater was running one of the booths, and wouldn't inform people about the facts when they asked about the two questions. (Just their lies)

So, in a twist, the new President was selected by the Supreme Court. The guy who was the buddy of the last President. There were two candidates. This other guy had a charge brought against him for violating campaigning rules (though he was set up), and the other guy had 4 charges brought against him in court. Surprising (not), the court invalidated the first guy, but over looked the charges of their buddy, so he was the only valid candidate. Since he was the only valid candidate, he only needed 10% of the votes, which he ended up getting. He was secretly sworn into office today, which was odd too.

Anyway, this new selected President can say the vote showed students don't want to pay 4 dollars for NYPIRG, and somehow make up a number on his own. Though, the Senate you could say had gotten really pissed at how the Supreme Court and President have basically broken the rules and corrupted the system, so if he decides to take away funding from NYPIRG, he won't get anything accomplished, because Senate will block it all.

Guess that's something.. politics are so fun, and this is just the college level!

Posted by Me on 4/30/2002 01:54:00 AM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Weird Dreams.

It's odd, last two nights I've dreamed of someone famous. Friday night it was Many Moore, why her, I don't know. It's not like I'm a huge fan or anything. I was chasing her around, when I finally caught up to her, she was really scared and only wearing men's underwear, shoes, and a watch (Uhh, I don't understand that either). I then asked her what time it was, and she stopped being scared and told me. We then were being all friendly, and decided to go find some place to umm.. play. Though I was now female, and there were kids around, so we needed some place private (woke up before then). Weird dream.. I'm not twisted like that, honest!

Saturday night I dreamed Sheryl Crow was asking me out. I'm not a huge fan of hers either, so this doesn't make a whole lot of sense either. I was considering it, thinking of saying yes, but still thinking maybe something could happen with the girl who turned me down in real life. I woke up before I could reply to her. Not sure if the dream was a sign to move on, or just wacky.

Hmmm.. not sure, maybe I have a lot of issues?

Posted by Me on 4/28/2002 10:25:00 PM | Comments?

(back dated, reposted from Deadjournal)

Website, up!

Finally got my website uploaded, and working enough to say it's up and running. I'd say after 2 years of not trying, it's good to fnally have somethng.

It still needs a lot of work, but good enough for now.

I don't have any other real news, not really depressed or anything about being turned down the other day. Thinking it would have been nice if she said yes though.

Think it would have been an honor to know her better.

Posted by Me on 4/28/2002 01:46:00 AM | Comments?